Too Happy

134lbs

Travelled down to Windsor again last night. 

Last time ill be doing that trip - Just think of the petrol ill save! 

stopped off at the services and got a ham and cheese pastie.....I DONT EVEN LIKE THEM. 

Will was sooooooo perfect last night. 

Going on about how i was the best looking girl there and how it hasnt sunk in that im his girlfriend because its too good to be true. 

I dont know why he thinks he doesnt deserve me etc etc. Hes soooo much better than me. 

He's in general a better person, better looking, better job, better at everything. 

I want him soooo much. 

SO back to the main topic - FOOD

Im eating far to much/little of it. 

Im living off SF Relentless and a bag of crisps for lunch 

go home and if i eat its either something so small like a sandwich or Will and i will go big and have realllly unhealthy food. 

Like yesterday big bar of galaxy between us and a mcdonalds! 

i need to get back to my 500cals a day and exercise. 

5'10.5 and 134lbs 

BMI: 19.0

I want a bmi of 18.5 so i need to loooose 3-4lbs

I still have fat on me, its starting to go on my bellly. 

OOOooooo i wore the Unitard last night. 

When the pictures from the night go up ill post one even though i dont think its a full length.... 

If not ill take a piccy in it....

Hope your alll doing well. 

Lots of Love

- C

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Tired, Hungry, Confused

135.0 lbs today

Chicken nuggets and chips last night. 

I was driving back from Windsor at 2am missed my turning and added an extra hour to my already 50minute journey -_-

I dont know how but i was livid at the time so got some food, pulled over in a layby and ate. 

STRESSED

Turns out Satnav was just being a knob. 

 So Will's best friend said the same thing to me again last night when i popped to his bar with a friend 'I know will and i give it 2 weeks, he will get bored of you' Thank god my friend was there to hear it because she didnt believe it when i told her the first time becase of the way he is around me. 

I told Will that i dont want him to get bored of me and that im not in it for the short run - i do realllllly like him :) 

He said that he's just jealous and yes hes never really been in a relationship and that he used to sleep with girls for fun, but he doesnt want that ever since the moment he saw me. Which was over a month ago now and we have been seeing each other all that time - Sooo whats going to change from 'seeing' each other were we made an agreement not to sleep with other people etc from the beginning and being in a relationship?

George has given the relationship 2 weeks and Shane 3. 

Shane has only done it becuse he knows im a jealous person and also knows the amount of women who go up to will on a night out asking for sex etc. -_-

Will said in 1 week (which will make it 2 weeks) the only thing that will happen is that we will know each other 1 week better :D 

Ahhh hes got a way with words that boy. 

I obviously dont like alll these girls coming up to him but what can i do about it-Hes not running the Windsor night soon, just up north so all those posh rich sluts can fuck off. 

Then just to deal with the girls up here who work with us both and seem to quit when they find out im with him! 

I need to get in control of my eating. It seems to be the only thing i can control right now - this is the reason i said i didnt want to be in a relationship because i get jealous and ive told him the reason why it seems im closed off sometimes is becuase i dont want to put myself completly out there straight away if hes going to trade me in for a better model that comes along and offers him 3 ways - 4 ways. (yes on a night out he has been offered a 4 way straight up) 

The only thing thats keeping me comfort is that he comes back to mine - and when he gets his new place im probably going to have a mental break down! 

I want this guy sooo much, hes met every memeber of my family, been to dinner ive met his dad and brother. Not yet the sister and mum. But for me it usually takes months before i introduce them to my parents - this is how much i like him and things are sooo different. Its intense its fast and i like him tooooo much! 

Keep telling myself its not love it's lust. 

Mainly because it is. 

Im infactuated with this boy! 

-Love,

Tired, Hungry and Confused C

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Addicted to weight loss

I wake up and slowly climb out of bed, Stumble sleepily into the bathroom. 

I do the usual, flush, wash hands and brush teeth. 

Walking back into my bedroom i securly shut my door and lift my t-shirt over my head and let it fall into my washing basket. (Friday, Wash day)

I step onto the scales and stare down wide eyed. 

134.4lbs I slam my head into the wall infront of me. 

I refuse to accept that as its answer. 

I bend down to pick it up, Shake it vigerously and gently place back down. 

I slowly step on, fingers crossed while holding the hair out of my face. 

133.6lbs.

It cant be....Can it?

I step on again and again and again.

OK. Ill accept that.

I finally feel free, not angry.



How can a number dictate my mood like that. How can i go from banging my head against a wall to relaxed in less than a nano second. That cant be normal. Thats the same as bi polar or schizophrenia.

Surely others dont feel this way about a number on a scale. They must just accept and walk off not thinking too much about it. 

I get dressed, pull the hair tie off my wrist and pull up my hair into an untiedy ponytail and stroll downstairs. 

2 Banana's 1 apple and a yoghurt for lunch. Not forgetting my sugar free energy drink. 

One slip up with a magnum ice cream however. I dont worry to much as i know what will happen when i get home. 

'thank god for being lactose intolerant otherwise i dont think weight loss would be possible for me' 

Tea with normal milk, ice cream, apples, energy drink. 

You can imagine the after effects for me. 

I think ill have a salad when i get home. Prepare it and then sit in the garden reading my book while inhaling on the end of a cigerette. Oh that cigerette how i long for you while im pulling my hair out working overtime at work.

Oh how you shall calm my breathing down and relax me through and through. If anything bad happens i know i can count on you to be there to calm my down. 

Cinema tonight. I dont worry. Im going with parents and they NEVER get any popcorn. and they are concentrating on me now to loose weight. A member or the family on the female side being a size 10. Unheard of. They make me feel so overwieght. They dont take into concideration that im 4-5 inches taller than them. Im sorry im not under 9 stone. If i was i would be dead. 

I say im down to 9.9 and mother just mutter 'just a bit further' She hasnt mentioned what the finish line is. Who said i was doing this for her? This is all for me thank you very much. I will decide when i have reached the finish line and i certainly am not there. I knew i would get to 130 and see im no different and im not. Still a size 10. Not what i want. Size 8 please. Flat belly with skin not fat rolls please. Small thighs please. Concave would be nice. Size 8...Please.

-Love C

xxxxxx

OMG OMG OMG OMG

my aim is to become this again.

bearing in  mind i started my PERIOD today. 

134.8lbs 

Lowest weight yet baby! 

This is great motivation. Starting wednesday here. 

130 then 125 dont seem so far away now. Just within my reach. 

Ill just need to learn to maintain at 130 as i did 140 and i should be ok. Not sure how i got myself to maintain....Slowly and gradually eating a little bit more each day. And then BAM. not loosing anymore. 

i cannot wait to get smaller and smaller and fit into size 8. 

not too far. it seems weird once being 158lbs and size 12. 

now being 134lbs and size 10. 

Makes me think im going to have to get to 125 to even consider a size 8.

This best not be the case. I dont think id look too skinny. I loved the way i looked when i was around 5'7/5'8 at the time and size 4. 

That was sweet bliss. Everything hung perfectly and i had this FABULOUS hour glass figure going on. Dont believe me?

Who remembers this picture?

yer sorry about the drawing i was bored and going through gcse's

God 15 and 5 years ago! 

No wonder im not that size anymore. 

the one thing i hate is how i used to eat fuck all and smoke lots. no i wasnt heavily into splif's as the drawing says. All my friends were but i did it for a month had a not so great experience and never went back. 

-Love C

xxxxxx

Dont know how weight loss works

yesterday Morning i weighed in at 140.4lbs

This morning i weighed in at 136.6lbs

I seriously dont understand.

all weekend ive been eating shit for the hell of it.

yesterday i had my standard apple youghurt banana and salad. 

That bought me waaaaaaaay down to 136. 

I guess i have to keep control today and see what happens. 

i just dont want the same to happen every single god forsaken weekend. i just need one weekend were im good. this weekend perhaps?

9th august i go away to mallorca. I WILL be 130lbs 

i dont have a choice what i eat out there, my family cook shite. perhaps ill ask for salad and fruit combinations for the duration of the holiday. 

Anyway nothing more to really fill you in on. My life is pretty tame, nothing out of the ordinarly, R and i are slowly getting back to normal. 

Gym tonight? Ill probably end up bailing again. 

-Love C

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