Wishes and dreams

To have the 'gaunt look' 

To sit up and just have one skin roll ... Not fat

To lie down and be able to see straight down your pants as your hips bones stick out so much

To be able to see the whole of your spine when you bend forward

To see your ribs on your back. 

To be able to see the full length of your collar bone

To have your chest bones showing

To have that flat stomach

To have that gap between your legs.

To wear those size 8 shorts and for them to look to big

To have that hunger pang that means your not bloated

To have that pang that means your on  the right lines

to have that pang that means your getting thinner

to have that pang that means you will get your goal

For the girls to be jealous

for the guys to want you to be thiers

For everyone to see the control you have

For everyone to see your strong

9 hours awake today. 

0 cals consumed

I will get what i want.

 

Keeping My Promise

So im keeping my promise that i would upload a picture.

I know im not usally one to blur out my face etc but its got W in it and so thought it best! 

The image is awfull and you cant really see the outfit soo tonight im going to get myself into it and take a picture of it on my camera and upload it for you. So you will either get it this afternoon or early morning :) 

my weight is slowly going up and i need it to go down. 

BUT

My card has declined from being sooo far into my overdraft (i dont have an overdraft or limit) that they have actually said enough! 

Ooopps

So cant afford food petrol anything sooooo my weight should platuea for a day or two getting used to being back into starvation mode and then it will start to go down again. 

Im getting back into the gym now. I WILL go tonight. Got my friend whos going to join me so thats a bit of extra motivation! 

 

Im now working 3 jobs as of the 1st october to try and pay for stuff. These other two are two days each both cash in hand so it will give me about 100 a week cash. 

 

But that will mean my october month is fine but then my hours go down at my main job so ill be working that 3 days -_- 

 

So ill have to get the babysitting an extra day. Make my wage go up a bit more as im soo busy and im in demand from the children. (What can i say kids love me....Shame i really cant stand these two kids)

 

And fingers crossed the nightclub gets a third night also that i can work on tills with or something. That would be reallly good. 

 

My addiction to energy drinks isnt going anywhere soon. 

I have to have atleast 1 can of energy drink to feel fine in the mornign otherwise i will be rocking what feels like a hangover untill i have one. 2 days of thinking i had a hangover untill i crached open a can of SF Monster. 3 sips in, headache had gone. I no longer felt like i was going to crash or be sickl. I instantly felt £1000000 pounds.

 

Now to get that much money! 

 

Will try and post pictures later. 

 

Love to you alll <3

 

-C

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Too Happy

134lbs

Travelled down to Windsor again last night. 

Last time ill be doing that trip - Just think of the petrol ill save! 

stopped off at the services and got a ham and cheese pastie.....I DONT EVEN LIKE THEM. 

Will was sooooooo perfect last night. 

Going on about how i was the best looking girl there and how it hasnt sunk in that im his girlfriend because its too good to be true. 

I dont know why he thinks he doesnt deserve me etc etc. Hes soooo much better than me. 

He's in general a better person, better looking, better job, better at everything. 

I want him soooo much. 

SO back to the main topic - FOOD

Im eating far to much/little of it. 

Im living off SF Relentless and a bag of crisps for lunch 

go home and if i eat its either something so small like a sandwich or Will and i will go big and have realllly unhealthy food. 

Like yesterday big bar of galaxy between us and a mcdonalds! 

i need to get back to my 500cals a day and exercise. 

5'10.5 and 134lbs 

BMI: 19.0

I want a bmi of 18.5 so i need to loooose 3-4lbs

I still have fat on me, its starting to go on my bellly. 

OOOooooo i wore the Unitard last night. 

When the pictures from the night go up ill post one even though i dont think its a full length.... 

If not ill take a piccy in it....

Hope your alll doing well. 

Lots of Love

- C

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Tired, Hungry, Confused

135.0 lbs today

Chicken nuggets and chips last night. 

I was driving back from Windsor at 2am missed my turning and added an extra hour to my already 50minute journey -_-

I dont know how but i was livid at the time so got some food, pulled over in a layby and ate. 

STRESSED

Turns out Satnav was just being a knob. 

 So Will's best friend said the same thing to me again last night when i popped to his bar with a friend 'I know will and i give it 2 weeks, he will get bored of you' Thank god my friend was there to hear it because she didnt believe it when i told her the first time becase of the way he is around me. 

I told Will that i dont want him to get bored of me and that im not in it for the short run - i do realllllly like him :) 

He said that he's just jealous and yes hes never really been in a relationship and that he used to sleep with girls for fun, but he doesnt want that ever since the moment he saw me. Which was over a month ago now and we have been seeing each other all that time - Sooo whats going to change from 'seeing' each other were we made an agreement not to sleep with other people etc from the beginning and being in a relationship?

George has given the relationship 2 weeks and Shane 3. 

Shane has only done it becuse he knows im a jealous person and also knows the amount of women who go up to will on a night out asking for sex etc. -_-

Will said in 1 week (which will make it 2 weeks) the only thing that will happen is that we will know each other 1 week better :D 

Ahhh hes got a way with words that boy. 

I obviously dont like alll these girls coming up to him but what can i do about it-Hes not running the Windsor night soon, just up north so all those posh rich sluts can fuck off. 

Then just to deal with the girls up here who work with us both and seem to quit when they find out im with him! 

I need to get in control of my eating. It seems to be the only thing i can control right now - this is the reason i said i didnt want to be in a relationship because i get jealous and ive told him the reason why it seems im closed off sometimes is becuase i dont want to put myself completly out there straight away if hes going to trade me in for a better model that comes along and offers him 3 ways - 4 ways. (yes on a night out he has been offered a 4 way straight up) 

The only thing thats keeping me comfort is that he comes back to mine - and when he gets his new place im probably going to have a mental break down! 

I want this guy sooo much, hes met every memeber of my family, been to dinner ive met his dad and brother. Not yet the sister and mum. But for me it usually takes months before i introduce them to my parents - this is how much i like him and things are sooo different. Its intense its fast and i like him tooooo much! 

Keep telling myself its not love it's lust. 

Mainly because it is. 

Im infactuated with this boy! 

-Love,

Tired, Hungry and Confused C

xxxxxxxxxx

 

Back bra fat

Goodmorning Bloggers

Ive recently done some asos shopping but really worried. 

I was out in Windsor shopping 

(are you seeing a pattern here? Im a shopperholic)
anyway - I was out shopping for a new outfit to go out that night (bearing in mind im already in debt)

Found a ton of really nice playsuits and dresses etc. 

Size 10 are too big and look silly, yet size 8's are just a little tooo tight on my belly

I am sooooo bloated latly due to eating crap - 135lbs

OOOO and im official with Will

:D

Said  to him im going back to the gym so he will have to be bored at my house a little bit longer as i leave him home alone while i come to work..

But he wants to come with me - Im ok with this, All i do is the elliptical so not toooo bothered. cant do anything else due to my cyst in my foot. 

So back to the main point of this blog - i wonder off way too easily.

I bought this: 

 

Got it in a size 8 as i thought you want it to be tight etc and when i buy leggings i get a 8 so figers crossed it fits. 

But im really worried that im going to have back overhang over all of the straps on the back. 

And i dont know what to do about a bra as im not flat chested like the woman in the picture - Im a 32DD and the gell stick on backless bra's only go to a D -_-

I should start a fashion blog of all the outfits i buy. and shove together. Im going out enough. 

Might do that when i have some time on my hands but as Will is technically homeless and did live in Windsor and im Northamptonshire he is pratically living with me. 

This realtionship is going to kill me. As hes an Event manager for nightclubs alot of girls want him. Even the girls who work for him at the club i work for go up to him saying they like him and want him bla bla bla and then QUIT when they find out were together. Its crazy especially when the girls are my work friends to!

In the club the other night and a girl ran over ad jumped on him and wrapped her legs around him. His brother leaned over to me and said 'how do you put up with that?' I simply reply, I dont but i dont have a choice- its going to happen if im happy or not about it.

Got a realllly Sweet text from him randomly the otherday when he went back to his friends bar and i carried on shopping...

' When I'm not with you I miss everything about you, even that cheey little grin.. Your doing it now!!! Stoppp grinning...stopppp!! You've made me so happy all i can say is thank you miss dixon :) I hope this continues and ill do everything in my power to make you happy xxxxxxx'

^^ How sweet is that^^ 

Ahhhhhh :)

well i think ive bored you enough with this post sooo till next time 

Love C

xxxxxxx

Cookie Monster

Firstly a BIG BIG BIG thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. 

Really helps knowing that you all know and understand what im going through and that your always here supporting me! 

However...............

Yesterday my car broke down :( 

Thats not all. 

It broke down outside Tesco! 

Thats not all. 

Due to the stress of having your car thickly smoke i bought stress food.

Crisps, Sausage roll, COOKIES. 

Thats not all. 

Mother picked me up and took me to hers. 

What happened when i got to hers?

SHE FED ME ALL THIS JUNK FOOD SHE WANTED TO GET RID OF.

Ive never eaten so much food in my life. 

On the pluss side though im craving tomatoes and fruit :) 

This never happens but maybe its a side of me trying to fight back and say they dont want to wake up in the morning and see 141 on the scales they want to see 131.

I can do this.

WE can do this! 

Who's with me?

Lets start with 1 week. If we make sure we eat our 5 a day fingers crossed by the time we have finished that we wont want any crap of normal foood.

5portions a day of either fruit or veg. 

:D

Stay strong

-Love C

xxxxxxxx

FUCK....my life

So Friday i didnt eat untill the evening around 7.30 when R presented me with half a pizza. NOM! 

friday hangover cure breakfast - Full english then dinner was 3 slices of pizza again. 

Not to mention the burger while in the club and the LARGE big mac meal before the taxi home. 

Then the hangover cure lunch. 

Oh and the x2 crisp sandwiches.

On my period and i put two patches together so im having a major one were everything is 10x worse. Pains, sore booobies :( Everything. 

so im just eating and eating and eating. So hello 4lbs gained. 

FUCK MY LIFE. 

Going to eat as little as i can today. Just do a nice cleanse to start again. no food in the house anyway. If im hungry its just tough.

So this morning i was 142lbs

I really hate my life :( 

Just never want to eat again. 

A friend none of us have seen in forever because she just lives with her boyfriend ... and she just turned around and said 'not going to lie, have you put on weight' I was honestly about to punch her in the face. everyone is saying youve lost sooo much weight recently. Stop loosing weight etc and i havent spoken or seen her in MONTHS and she says ive put weight on. She can lick my hairy fucking nine! 

she pissed us all off. 

Just snidey comments. ergh. 

Hate girls like her. She dislikes the fact that were all soo close and have private jokes etc. Not our fault she never comes out anymore. 

I wish though when somebody said i was fat id go purge and stop eating but no. I have to stuff my face. 

Right rant over however much i would like to carry on. 

Stay strong

<3

-Love C

x

 

Battle to be thin

138.6lbs 

im very happy with the loss as i had a HUGE portion of pasta salad. 

Made enough to be for lunch or dinner today and well, i ate it all. 

Then the cinema to see Prometheus. 

Popcorn.

I was sooo nervous from everyone telling me it was scary that i comfort ate the whole thing. 

Turns out it wasnt scary atall.

so to loose is pretty awsome. 

Did do an hour of stomp though which is good high intensity workout. 

Dont you wish that you could be this skinny?

I just want to be there now. So skinny that everything feels good on. 

I can put something on and know i dont look fat. 

I can sit down without haviung to worry about fat over rolls. 

I dont have to worry about my navel piercing being pulled in every directing as its in my fat roll. 

I just wont have to worry. 

8.6lbs untill im at 130. 

GW #4 

I can do this because i want this. 

I want my frail hair back that was soo volumised because it was so thin, dry and falling out that it would stay put. I know it sounds impossible but for some reason it happens. 

i want it back ... i want it all back!

 

(^^when times were simpler and food wasnt a daily battle^^)

-Love C

x

Follow Up

Weight: 138.8lbs

Height: 5'10.5 (to be exact)

Sex: Female

Age: 19 and 357days :D 

Ultimate goal: To be skinny weighing 125lbs

Food intake yesterday

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: 2 croissants 360cals

Dinner: 2 cheese sandwiches 332cals

Total:692cals

Exercise: Big fat Zero

Every day that England is raining heavily I want to book a plane ticket and fly the hell away from this miserable country. 

Its true that in rainy miserable weather your more inclined to comfort eat as there is nothing you can do outside. 

When its hot and sunny you dont want a nice english breakfast or something hot, you want nice refreshing fruit or more likley a bottle of water! 

I want to leave, i want to go do a season, i want to travel. 

Atleast my wieght is going down. Give me something more to eat and it will go flying up i bet. 

Actually going back to the gym tonight. Stomp FX class. 

KILLER. 

I dont even know how to make my posts more interesting ... Tell you all a secret?

You already know the biggest secret in my life.

Im poor, i have no money. Thats a lie i have £12- for the rest of the month to pay for petrol which i need atleast £60 to get to work and back for the rest of the month. 

In other words im screwed.

-Love C

xxxxxxxxxxx

My big FAT Weekend

Still 140 lbs

I guess its better to maintain with the amount of shit ive been eating.

So i was at the jack wills Varsity Polo this weekend.

it was great fun, but alot of snack junk food was eaten and mcdonalds on the way home, Crisp sandwich when i get to R's and Chicken balls and Chips for dinner.

Ive realised that my eating is soooo unhealthy and fatty and seeing as ive been maintaining. Now im back to my restricting it should be ok and the weight should drop off like it did at the beginning and when i come back off holidays.

Im Doing a big lunch (not that its actually goin to be big, A sandwich or something and then something healthy and small for dinner.

A baby pouch or salad.

i will loose this weight.

I have a clubbing night out on Saturday also for my birthday but for the people who couldnt make it to jack wills and for the ones were jack wills was too 'posh' for them.

i have a family lunch that day too so if i eat that then something very small in the evening before i start drinking it should be ok.  then if i stick to vodka orange, sex on the beach or malibu and diet coke. (anything with diet coke) i shouldnt put on too much and it shouldnt be so much of a disaster :)

Who's ready to loose the unwanted pounds this week?

Stay strong and think Thin.

<3

-Love C
x

 

After Shock

really sorry i didnt post yesterday i had to go with my friend to hospital as she was in alot of pain. 

Bacterial infection, Urine infection and a ripped cervix! 

OUCH. 

No wonder she was in pain. 

So the magical number youve all been waiting to hear. 

I should have taken bets on what my boozing holiday did to my weight.

140.2lbs 

:) 

Im soo  happy with that from the amount i ate. 

Burger king, pizza hut, alot of baguettes and bread. Burgers, steak. 

not to mention to alcohol calories! 

I guess sweating it out and all the walking helped! 

5th floor and the elevators smelt of wee or had sick in them so it was always stairs.

Back to my healthy eating now and seeing as im used to eating normal i guess as soon as i go back to my minimal the weight will fall off me like a fat pair of jeans! 

Jack Wills Varsity Polo tomorrow. 

Always go for my birthday. 

20years old on the 20th June. 

I CANNOT be fat in all my pictures. I know im going to be huge in JWVP ones but i cant exactly cut weight off in a day! Talk about the impossible! 

So 10 days ... a pound ish a day. I can be 136 for my birthday, i will be SOOOO happy. :)

Lets start.

Whos with me?

Stay Strong and Think Thin. 

-Love C

xxxxxxxxx

(Just a bit of feather tatto thinspo <3)

Alot of people have the feather tatto on there rib! Guess i must have a common brain/imagination! 

Enjoy 

<3

MAGALLUF

Weight : Who knows

Alcohol Consumed : Who Kows - im probably still drunk

Food Consumed: Lunch and dinner everyday

Puked: 0 times

Toilet: I LIVED ON THAT THING

So as you can see from the above picture i had a pretty wild time! 

Oh i got my first tattoo.

Probably not the best place to get it as i know spain dont have the same rules and regulations. 

I swear it wasnt real as i hear the stories about it hurting and i had mine right on my ribs. 

TICKLED LIKE HELL. 

the guy had to keep telling me to stop laughing.

 In its clingfilm and its a bit flakey at the moment so when its healed ill take a better picture for y'all. 

I got the feather to resemble 'free spirit' as i do everything myself. Moved out at 18, LOVE getting out the country. 

Holiday number 4 in August! and might be heading back to Maga in July!

i love that more people are finding my site so HELLO 

:) 

Ill be stepping on the scales tomorrow morning ... AHHH IM SO SCARED :( 

probably gained a Stone! 

sorry this post is a bit here there and everywere but im ever so tired, swear im still drunk or experienceing alcohol withdrawals. 

was up super early from work this morning and its just turned 3 so HOME TIME. 

ill post again with the news tomorrow.

-Love C

xxxxxxxx

Mento's Gum

136.6 lbs 

I really dont know how i went up today. 

It has to be the late night meal i had. If you can call it a meal.

8.30 is never a good time! 

I was at work and a guy came to pick up some bits and bobs and said do i like gum. 

I obviously told the truth and said yes. and he gave me this HUGE pile 

:))

I LOVE GUM

So i think im stocked for a while now.

And mentos gum is actually really nice. 

My food for today is going to be 

small apple (which ive already had) 50cal

Yoghurt 119cal

Dinner:

1/2 Covent gardens soup 50cal

And i think this should suffice for the day.
Might slip in a banana as there going black so need to eat them soon before they go all horrible on the inside. 

I WILL be 135 tomorrow if it kills me!!!

Stay Strong

-Love C

xxxxx