RANT.

So i havent wanted to post due to the weight... 

Im up to 135lbs

Mcdonalds at 3am last night. But im not going to eat poorly any more im actually fed up of all the mcdonalds and fast food. 

Ill make a mini pack dinner? for Tills on saturday so when 2/3am rolls around ill have a nibble on a healthy sandwich rather than chips and nuggets. 

Need to get on drinking lots more water, Only drinking energy drinks is going to dooooo sooooo much damage. 

im eating more than i used to at work aswell

i use to be able to not be hungry off an apple ... JUST ONE APPLE> 

Now i need alot more than that. 

Need to train my body to live off no food;. 

I was reading one of your blogs 

(im hungover and brain isnt working so cant rememeber)

And it was how tehre 133 wanting to get to 126 but it being 'too' skinny. 

Well i want to get to 126 and that will put my bmi to 17.8

9lbs difference ... Not really much. 

And im bouncing from 135 to 133lbs. 

133lb when i dont junk out.....

so really i dont know what difference im going to see from now and 126lbs :/ i still have big things in images, big arms big everything 

I want to be one of those skinny skinny girls

I want people to go yeah shes skinny. 

My friend accidently bought a ton of the same underwear and so shes giving me 2 pairs. There a s/p which is a size 8 and i felt like she was thinking 'your sooo not going to fit into these'

Because i dont look like id fit into a sixe 8 atallll~!! !! 

I want to be skiiny, i dont want a bloated belly, i dont want these huge thighs i want tiny arms with no bingo wings, i dont want that back fat i dont want that double chin. 

I want to be skin and bones

<3

Is that too much to ask for?

Love C 

xxxxxxxx

Tired, Hungry, Confused

135.0 lbs today

Chicken nuggets and chips last night. 

I was driving back from Windsor at 2am missed my turning and added an extra hour to my already 50minute journey -_-

I dont know how but i was livid at the time so got some food, pulled over in a layby and ate. 

STRESSED

Turns out Satnav was just being a knob. 

 So Will's best friend said the same thing to me again last night when i popped to his bar with a friend 'I know will and i give it 2 weeks, he will get bored of you' Thank god my friend was there to hear it because she didnt believe it when i told her the first time becase of the way he is around me. 

I told Will that i dont want him to get bored of me and that im not in it for the short run - i do realllllly like him :) 

He said that he's just jealous and yes hes never really been in a relationship and that he used to sleep with girls for fun, but he doesnt want that ever since the moment he saw me. Which was over a month ago now and we have been seeing each other all that time - Sooo whats going to change from 'seeing' each other were we made an agreement not to sleep with other people etc from the beginning and being in a relationship?

George has given the relationship 2 weeks and Shane 3. 

Shane has only done it becuse he knows im a jealous person and also knows the amount of women who go up to will on a night out asking for sex etc. -_-

Will said in 1 week (which will make it 2 weeks) the only thing that will happen is that we will know each other 1 week better :D 

Ahhh hes got a way with words that boy. 

I obviously dont like alll these girls coming up to him but what can i do about it-Hes not running the Windsor night soon, just up north so all those posh rich sluts can fuck off. 

Then just to deal with the girls up here who work with us both and seem to quit when they find out im with him! 

I need to get in control of my eating. It seems to be the only thing i can control right now - this is the reason i said i didnt want to be in a relationship because i get jealous and ive told him the reason why it seems im closed off sometimes is becuase i dont want to put myself completly out there straight away if hes going to trade me in for a better model that comes along and offers him 3 ways - 4 ways. (yes on a night out he has been offered a 4 way straight up) 

The only thing thats keeping me comfort is that he comes back to mine - and when he gets his new place im probably going to have a mental break down! 

I want this guy sooo much, hes met every memeber of my family, been to dinner ive met his dad and brother. Not yet the sister and mum. But for me it usually takes months before i introduce them to my parents - this is how much i like him and things are sooo different. Its intense its fast and i like him tooooo much! 

Keep telling myself its not love it's lust. 

Mainly because it is. 

Im infactuated with this boy! 

-Love,

Tired, Hungry and Confused C

xxxxxxxxxx

 

You Blocked me on Facebook

132.6lbs

Its soooo strange putting that number! 

Its strange though im still feeling fat, not quite skinny yet. I still have all my fat rolls, im still a size 10. 

I would have though loosing 7lbs would have taken a bit of the weight off but no im the damn same. 

Ive been here for a while so fingers crosed this is my new level to hang around. 

Sorry i havent posted in a while, ive been super super busy. 

I havent let myself have time to think with this break up. 

Ive also been going to my hospital appointment and booking all sorts of things. 

Confirmed cyst in my foot - OH JOY! 

Have to wait untill the 20th August to discuss with my doctor treatment plans. I could ask for any other doctor but you know when you just want your own?

Calmed on the drinking but thats cuz the Promo team are in Windsor. There back tomorrow afternoon. 

They want to see me. I cant have a late night though as i need to be up at 6am Friday morning to get to London For the Olympics. 

:)

Perhaps i could drive to Northampton for the evening and if they do go out only have a few and leave by 1am? 

As im feeling very british here is some British thinspo

<3

-Love C

xxxxxxx

Fore Warning

This is only going to be a small quick post saying i dont know if ill be writing for the following reason. 

R and I broke up. 

This Morning.

Ive been keeping myself busy. Friend at works birthday so shes been filling me with cake and giving me lots of little simple jobs to keep my mind occupied so i dont break down here. 

I dont know what my weight is going to do. 

Im not hungry atall i dont feel anything. 

i dont know if im going to break down at my desk and not be able to move or perhaps on my drive home. probably niether. 

probably when he is dropping my stuff off. 

So by the fact of me not know what my weight is going to do i dont like posting about me gaining only loosing. 

I hate this. 

Deppresion oh how i open you with open arms.

Have i smiled today?

Fake ones sure beneath my sunglasses at strangers. 

9months....Gone

I.Want.My.Bed.

I.Want.My.Mum.

I just want a hug :(

-Love (a rather depressed) C

xxxxx

Addicted to weight loss

I wake up and slowly climb out of bed, Stumble sleepily into the bathroom. 

I do the usual, flush, wash hands and brush teeth. 

Walking back into my bedroom i securly shut my door and lift my t-shirt over my head and let it fall into my washing basket. (Friday, Wash day)

I step onto the scales and stare down wide eyed. 

134.4lbs I slam my head into the wall infront of me. 

I refuse to accept that as its answer. 

I bend down to pick it up, Shake it vigerously and gently place back down. 

I slowly step on, fingers crossed while holding the hair out of my face. 

133.6lbs.

It cant be....Can it?

I step on again and again and again.

OK. Ill accept that.

I finally feel free, not angry.



How can a number dictate my mood like that. How can i go from banging my head against a wall to relaxed in less than a nano second. That cant be normal. Thats the same as bi polar or schizophrenia.

Surely others dont feel this way about a number on a scale. They must just accept and walk off not thinking too much about it. 

I get dressed, pull the hair tie off my wrist and pull up my hair into an untiedy ponytail and stroll downstairs. 

2 Banana's 1 apple and a yoghurt for lunch. Not forgetting my sugar free energy drink. 

One slip up with a magnum ice cream however. I dont worry to much as i know what will happen when i get home. 

'thank god for being lactose intolerant otherwise i dont think weight loss would be possible for me' 

Tea with normal milk, ice cream, apples, energy drink. 

You can imagine the after effects for me. 

I think ill have a salad when i get home. Prepare it and then sit in the garden reading my book while inhaling on the end of a cigerette. Oh that cigerette how i long for you while im pulling my hair out working overtime at work.

Oh how you shall calm my breathing down and relax me through and through. If anything bad happens i know i can count on you to be there to calm my down. 

Cinema tonight. I dont worry. Im going with parents and they NEVER get any popcorn. and they are concentrating on me now to loose weight. A member or the family on the female side being a size 10. Unheard of. They make me feel so overwieght. They dont take into concideration that im 4-5 inches taller than them. Im sorry im not under 9 stone. If i was i would be dead. 

I say im down to 9.9 and mother just mutter 'just a bit further' She hasnt mentioned what the finish line is. Who said i was doing this for her? This is all for me thank you very much. I will decide when i have reached the finish line and i certainly am not there. I knew i would get to 130 and see im no different and im not. Still a size 10. Not what i want. Size 8 please. Flat belly with skin not fat rolls please. Small thighs please. Concave would be nice. Size 8...Please.

-Love C

xxxxxx

Ahhhhhh :))))

135.7lbs

AHHHHH

im so fricking happy. 

I cant even remeber if ive got down to this weight before? 

This has honestly made my week. 

However Cinema tonight. I MUST refuse the popcorn and diet coke. Water water and more water from now on. 

Was strange as i weighed myself after the gym and was 140 etc

Weighed myself after a few hours as i was STTAAARRRVING and i was 138. 

Then just before bed i jumped on the scales when changing into pj's and i was 137. 

I LOVED it. 

I never would have guessed id be in the 135's i just hope i can stay in it tomorrow. Less would be better. But ive had a tiny pig out at lunch today. Not much but high calorie stuff.

And cinema tonight. Im very busy though. Work, Wax, Then home to change for Stomp Class, Home for quick shower then rush off to the cinema. 

So not much time to eat so fingers crossed! 

so yer, Yesterdays intake. 

Breakfast: Nil pwa

Lunch: Banana, Walkers crisps

Snack: Cucumber, Strawberrriiessss

Dinner: Bowl of weeetooos cereal.

Exercise: 35mins Crosstrailer(elliptical)

5mins Wobble Machine

random floor work.

Looking at it now...no wonder i lost weight! 

-Love C

xxxxx

What is Happening

Starting Monday morning at 137.4lbs

Not bad if i do say so.

Now girls ... Off topic from weight and food etc. But one thing about this specific 'diet' Is that it effects our lives is more ways than one. 

Relationships.

Im Screwed in this case.

I miss my free time, i miss having that one night to myself. 

Now its everynight with R. Every second of the day he texts me. 

When im with him he can sense something is up and so he smothers me with affection which is the opposite of what i need right now.

If i left him-god its hard to explain without sounding big headed. He would be distraught. It would ruin him. He would probably kill either himself or me. 

Im scared to even have sex with him ...its been Forever. Like Over a month forever. Long time for a relationship thats only 8months old.

we will make out and he will grab my wrists and put them above my head...I used to like it when a guy took control. And to this day i wouldnt mind it. IF that is he didnt hold on so tight id have to scream out in pain to get him to get off me, which sometimes he doesnt as he thinks i just want to be in control. Well i think thats why he doesnt let go. 

So if hes like that making out im petrified of having sex and him being a little too rough and hurting me. Im probably way over thinking this but yer. its what im thinking. 

Do i miss being single? Yes, of course i do. I go out with my single friends and we get attention from very yummy boys and they get to have them and make out and take them back and i just have to sit from the sidelines wishing i had their lives. 

perhaps its the fact that i need more couple friends. I have though about this. and it was good when my Friend was dating R's mate. Was great fun. 

I just miss mee time and doing what i want to do. 

I want to go travellling. R doesnt and kicks up when its bought up that i want to go. 

I hate the town were i live and want to leave. R will stay here forever and ever!

Im 20. R is 27

R wants to settle down. I most deffinitly do not. 

Have to admit im bringing up the negatives. He does have good points. im just not really seeing them at the moment. 

-Love C

xxxxxxx

The Truth.

 

And the Winner is ..... WinterA

(btw that picture is because im talking about men and well alcide from true blood is super hot)

ME-  Decided against being a fb friend then? Fair enough. See you around x

A- my girlfriend went mental that i added you so i kind of have to. even though weve never actually spoken. sorry x

Winter was correct that it was the girlfriend. 

Another strange thing that happend (things seem to come in 3's with me)

My ex boyfriend from school turned around and said i go for jerks but thats not all i attract as hes changed now and he likes me likes me. 

Wtf its been like 3-4 years since we dated.

Also found out R and his mates decided to get hold of him on a night out i said hi as i havent seen him in time as he goes to uni up in wales. and say oh btw this is C's Boyfriend. Wtf!? Jealous much. Cant stand jealous people/ 

R was once talking to his ex called me over and i left saying i dont want to get to know her but i have no problem you too catching up. I know hes mine and i trust him. Same with him talking to girls on fb or in the pub/club.

And then R was in an full on mood last night. 

If i got a penny for every kiss i got during the night that woke me up id be rich. I was trying to sleep while he got ready for work and hes sat there pecking at my face! He said im the one in a mood because i didnt cuddle in my sleep. He just answered himself....i was asleep! How the heck am i ment to have a brain when sleeping??! 

So thats my come in 3. I want some retail therapy!

-Love C

xxxxxxxxx

138.4

So ive been ill and i would have though my weight would go down more than that but hey ho ... cant get everything you wish for ey! 

So not much has gone on in my life...Except i was in the gym on Monday and as you do, while your bored on the cross trainer(elliptical) staring into space, you stare into space across to all the guys in the weights section. 

Well Tuesday i had a friend request. Didnt know who it was. Have one mutual friend and i dont even know that mutual friend. But i recognised him. Hes the very muscular, Very beautifull Gym guy i stare at. 

He must have searched MY name out of the sign in book. Which means he was paying attention to when i was leaving and well in general me. 

He has a girlfriend too. Or so says facebook. 

Why would he add me. I've only ever stared at him gormlessly. 

Guessing he has stared back at me! 

Im excited for my next visit to the gym but sort of scared to go. I dont want to be sweating it out if hes there paying attention to me. 

I dont like that im liking the attention from some other guy. 

Couldnt have come at a worse time as R is being very very Clingy as he thinks im going to run off. and doing that he will hug me just a little too tight and squeeze me, and has got into a habbit of holding my arms down to make out with me to the extent that hes crushing my wrists. He will hug me and put HIS leg over me ... Just be the clingy girlfriend. he's spoiling me with gifts as if hes trying to buy me. He said he was too ill Wednesday to see me and that he was jut going to sleep. So i said my friend was going to come over and keep me company ana tada hes feeling 10x better and wants to come over. WTF. you cant be jealous of a female friend.

See not the best time for somebody to be paying me attention. Specially not somebody beautifull. Thank god this guy has a girlfriend.

My fabulous perdicament. 

Could never break up with R though....I honestly think he would kill himself if i left.

-Love C

xxxxxxxx

138.8lbs 

So i havent posted in a while, no its not because ive been away again. 

Ive been in my little town doing nothing...well not nothing. Ive been stuffing my face. 

So i havent wanted to post as ive been ever soo ashamed. But im now back into the 130's and I SHALL NOT get back into the 140's

Im back at the gym now. 

45mins Cross Trainer/elliptical (Whatever you want to call it)

5 Mins Wobble Machine. <-- LOVE THAT THING
 

Breakfast- Nothing

Lunch - 1/2 pack Spanish cherry tomatoes

Dinner - 2 Charlotte Pots

Small dipping bread in aviolli 

Small dipping bread with penut butter

Crisp Sandwich :(

But hey i still lost so fingers crossed for more losses. 

And seeing as ive been eating like a pig recently the weight should fall off. 

Ive realised i havent been loosing and when i do its because im drinking lots of water. So im back on my 2 litres of water thing. I can have a mini pig out as long as i have the water!!! 

and doing that i dont seem to have to much of a gain so yes. JUT DRINK WATER! 

how have all of y'all been doing?

Fingers crossed not failing like me. 

Ive been really terrible with reading blogs aswell. - SORRY!

But i will read as many as i can but i think ill only go back a day as i dont have enough time! 

Again sorry for abandoning you all. 

-Love C

xxxxxx

Cookie Monster

Firstly a BIG BIG BIG thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. 

Really helps knowing that you all know and understand what im going through and that your always here supporting me! 

However...............

Yesterday my car broke down :( 

Thats not all. 

It broke down outside Tesco! 

Thats not all. 

Due to the stress of having your car thickly smoke i bought stress food.

Crisps, Sausage roll, COOKIES. 

Thats not all. 

Mother picked me up and took me to hers. 

What happened when i got to hers?

SHE FED ME ALL THIS JUNK FOOD SHE WANTED TO GET RID OF.

Ive never eaten so much food in my life. 

On the pluss side though im craving tomatoes and fruit :) 

This never happens but maybe its a side of me trying to fight back and say they dont want to wake up in the morning and see 141 on the scales they want to see 131.

I can do this.

WE can do this! 

Who's with me?

Lets start with 1 week. If we make sure we eat our 5 a day fingers crossed by the time we have finished that we wont want any crap of normal foood.

5portions a day of either fruit or veg. 

:D

Stay strong

-Love C

xxxxxxxx

FUCK....my life

So Friday i didnt eat untill the evening around 7.30 when R presented me with half a pizza. NOM! 

friday hangover cure breakfast - Full english then dinner was 3 slices of pizza again. 

Not to mention the burger while in the club and the LARGE big mac meal before the taxi home. 

Then the hangover cure lunch. 

Oh and the x2 crisp sandwiches.

On my period and i put two patches together so im having a major one were everything is 10x worse. Pains, sore booobies :( Everything. 

so im just eating and eating and eating. So hello 4lbs gained. 

FUCK MY LIFE. 

Going to eat as little as i can today. Just do a nice cleanse to start again. no food in the house anyway. If im hungry its just tough.

So this morning i was 142lbs

I really hate my life :( 

Just never want to eat again. 

A friend none of us have seen in forever because she just lives with her boyfriend ... and she just turned around and said 'not going to lie, have you put on weight' I was honestly about to punch her in the face. everyone is saying youve lost sooo much weight recently. Stop loosing weight etc and i havent spoken or seen her in MONTHS and she says ive put weight on. She can lick my hairy fucking nine! 

she pissed us all off. 

Just snidey comments. ergh. 

Hate girls like her. She dislikes the fact that were all soo close and have private jokes etc. Not our fault she never comes out anymore. 

I wish though when somebody said i was fat id go purge and stop eating but no. I have to stuff my face. 

Right rant over however much i would like to carry on. 

Stay strong

<3

-Love C

x

 

Battle to be thin

138.6lbs 

im very happy with the loss as i had a HUGE portion of pasta salad. 

Made enough to be for lunch or dinner today and well, i ate it all. 

Then the cinema to see Prometheus. 

Popcorn.

I was sooo nervous from everyone telling me it was scary that i comfort ate the whole thing. 

Turns out it wasnt scary atall.

so to loose is pretty awsome. 

Did do an hour of stomp though which is good high intensity workout. 

Dont you wish that you could be this skinny?

I just want to be there now. So skinny that everything feels good on. 

I can put something on and know i dont look fat. 

I can sit down without haviung to worry about fat over rolls. 

I dont have to worry about my navel piercing being pulled in every directing as its in my fat roll. 

I just wont have to worry. 

8.6lbs untill im at 130. 

GW #4 

I can do this because i want this. 

I want my frail hair back that was soo volumised because it was so thin, dry and falling out that it would stay put. I know it sounds impossible but for some reason it happens. 

i want it back ... i want it all back!

 

(^^when times were simpler and food wasnt a daily battle^^)

-Love C

x

Follow Up

Weight: 138.8lbs

Height: 5'10.5 (to be exact)

Sex: Female

Age: 19 and 357days :D 

Ultimate goal: To be skinny weighing 125lbs

Food intake yesterday

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: 2 croissants 360cals

Dinner: 2 cheese sandwiches 332cals

Total:692cals

Exercise: Big fat Zero

Every day that England is raining heavily I want to book a plane ticket and fly the hell away from this miserable country. 

Its true that in rainy miserable weather your more inclined to comfort eat as there is nothing you can do outside. 

When its hot and sunny you dont want a nice english breakfast or something hot, you want nice refreshing fruit or more likley a bottle of water! 

I want to leave, i want to go do a season, i want to travel. 

Atleast my wieght is going down. Give me something more to eat and it will go flying up i bet. 

Actually going back to the gym tonight. Stomp FX class. 

KILLER. 

I dont even know how to make my posts more interesting ... Tell you all a secret?

You already know the biggest secret in my life.

Im poor, i have no money. Thats a lie i have £12- for the rest of the month to pay for petrol which i need atleast £60 to get to work and back for the rest of the month. 

In other words im screwed.

-Love C

xxxxxxxxxxx

MAGALLUF

Weight : Who knows

Alcohol Consumed : Who Kows - im probably still drunk

Food Consumed: Lunch and dinner everyday

Puked: 0 times

Toilet: I LIVED ON THAT THING

So as you can see from the above picture i had a pretty wild time! 

Oh i got my first tattoo.

Probably not the best place to get it as i know spain dont have the same rules and regulations. 

I swear it wasnt real as i hear the stories about it hurting and i had mine right on my ribs. 

TICKLED LIKE HELL. 

the guy had to keep telling me to stop laughing.

 In its clingfilm and its a bit flakey at the moment so when its healed ill take a better picture for y'all. 

I got the feather to resemble 'free spirit' as i do everything myself. Moved out at 18, LOVE getting out the country. 

Holiday number 4 in August! and might be heading back to Maga in July!

i love that more people are finding my site so HELLO 

:) 

Ill be stepping on the scales tomorrow morning ... AHHH IM SO SCARED :( 

probably gained a Stone! 

sorry this post is a bit here there and everywere but im ever so tired, swear im still drunk or experienceing alcohol withdrawals. 

was up super early from work this morning and its just turned 3 so HOME TIME. 

ill post again with the news tomorrow.

-Love C

xxxxxxxx

Cigerettes

I wish my hair was still long like this. 

Going to grow it and soon the hair dye will be fully in my hair and it wont be so soft and flat! 

Main thing i hate about dying hair. 

Cigerettes is what i used to live off when i looked like this.
I guess i know what i have to do.

If i go back to my old diet mixed with my new one i should be able to get there.

Breakfast: 

A few sips of Fizzy Lemonade to keep sugar levels up through the day. 

Cigerette

Lunch:

Freddo bar (not sure they do these anymore so im going to have my babyfood puree)

Cigerette.

Dinner:

Cigerette

1 piece of fruit

Exercise: 

Atleast an hour of something

if my body was that thin once i CAN do it again. 

My friends say it was too skinny, but to me that looks perfect. 

The hair in the first picture the size of the second picture. I will look FABULOUS 

<3

-C