Wishes and dreams

To have the 'gaunt look' 

To sit up and just have one skin roll ... Not fat

To lie down and be able to see straight down your pants as your hips bones stick out so much

To be able to see the whole of your spine when you bend forward

To see your ribs on your back. 

To be able to see the full length of your collar bone

To have your chest bones showing

To have that flat stomach

To have that gap between your legs.

To wear those size 8 shorts and for them to look to big

To have that hunger pang that means your not bloated

To have that pang that means your on  the right lines

to have that pang that means your getting thinner

to have that pang that means you will get your goal

For the girls to be jealous

for the guys to want you to be thiers

For everyone to see the control you have

For everyone to see your strong

9 hours awake today. 

0 cals consumed

I will get what i want.

 

Tired, Hungry, Confused

135.0 lbs today

Chicken nuggets and chips last night. 

I was driving back from Windsor at 2am missed my turning and added an extra hour to my already 50minute journey -_-

I dont know how but i was livid at the time so got some food, pulled over in a layby and ate. 

STRESSED

Turns out Satnav was just being a knob. 

 So Will's best friend said the same thing to me again last night when i popped to his bar with a friend 'I know will and i give it 2 weeks, he will get bored of you' Thank god my friend was there to hear it because she didnt believe it when i told her the first time becase of the way he is around me. 

I told Will that i dont want him to get bored of me and that im not in it for the short run - i do realllllly like him :) 

He said that he's just jealous and yes hes never really been in a relationship and that he used to sleep with girls for fun, but he doesnt want that ever since the moment he saw me. Which was over a month ago now and we have been seeing each other all that time - Sooo whats going to change from 'seeing' each other were we made an agreement not to sleep with other people etc from the beginning and being in a relationship?

George has given the relationship 2 weeks and Shane 3. 

Shane has only done it becuse he knows im a jealous person and also knows the amount of women who go up to will on a night out asking for sex etc. -_-

Will said in 1 week (which will make it 2 weeks) the only thing that will happen is that we will know each other 1 week better :D 

Ahhh hes got a way with words that boy. 

I obviously dont like alll these girls coming up to him but what can i do about it-Hes not running the Windsor night soon, just up north so all those posh rich sluts can fuck off. 

Then just to deal with the girls up here who work with us both and seem to quit when they find out im with him! 

I need to get in control of my eating. It seems to be the only thing i can control right now - this is the reason i said i didnt want to be in a relationship because i get jealous and ive told him the reason why it seems im closed off sometimes is becuase i dont want to put myself completly out there straight away if hes going to trade me in for a better model that comes along and offers him 3 ways - 4 ways. (yes on a night out he has been offered a 4 way straight up) 

The only thing thats keeping me comfort is that he comes back to mine - and when he gets his new place im probably going to have a mental break down! 

I want this guy sooo much, hes met every memeber of my family, been to dinner ive met his dad and brother. Not yet the sister and mum. But for me it usually takes months before i introduce them to my parents - this is how much i like him and things are sooo different. Its intense its fast and i like him tooooo much! 

Keep telling myself its not love it's lust. 

Mainly because it is. 

Im infactuated with this boy! 

-Love,

Tired, Hungry and Confused C

xxxxxxxxxx

 

BINGE :(

So last night didnt exactly go as planned. 

I go to babysitting at 8. And the lady i babysit for asked me into the kitchen (standard as she usually gives me instructions etc) But she just said, 'were my kids exceptionally stressfull yesterday, i found your lighter outside, here you go' It was sooo awkward. They were in bed asleep when i went out and i had had them all freaking day. 

She even hid the key so i couldnt go out for one last night!

To top it off she said help yourself to this GIANT bar of galaxy (my favourite, was already half eaten) and put out a rocky road aswell. 

So it was that and some tortilla chips, had 2 cherry tomatoes to make myself feel like i ate healthy. And the rocky road i had a small bite. then shoved the rest in chewed for a bit and hit a wall of WTF am i doing so spat it all back out. 

When babysitting was over my parents lights were still on so i popped in to say hello. 

1 ham roll and 1 penut butter roll. 

GOD i miss Penut butter.

So for all of yesterday it was

Breakfast:

Nothing

Lunch: 

Kiwi 14cal

Dinner: 

Apple Puree Pouch: 51cal

Tuna: 50

BINGE:

2 cherry tomatoes 4cal

1/4 rocky road 50cal

1/4 giant cookie 30cal

2 chocolate galaxy cubes 52cal

Tortilla chips 30cal

Ham Roll 141cal

Penut Butter roll 186cal

3 laxatives :( 

Total:

608cals

Didnt gain, just maintained. 

so still 136.8 lbs

R and I are going MK shopping and he wants to go to nando's, Ive checked the menu and ive told him im getting the mixed salad already. i dont care what he says. if he kicks up a big fuss ill have it with the chicken. May have it with the chicken anyway and then have a pouch for dinner before i head out for the night. 

TMI WARNING: Laxatives havent worked...its stressing me out. Perhaps ill have a cigerette. Usually gets things going. 

Stay Strong

-Love C

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Im going to weigh myself when getting ready...perhaps last nights weight will have digested.

Could i be happier?

136.8 lbs

Yes, i just said 136.8!! 

I guess my new motivation of having to get down to 130 in order to save my relationship is working. 

Dont worry im not doing this for R. I need to do it to feel comfortable. To be at peace with my body. 

I dont know if ill feel that at 130 but there is only 1 way to find out isnt there.

I need to say a MASSIVE shout out to Gabrielle (the black book) she has helped me so much with not bingeing and actually making this possible! 

ive done 4-5 days no binge, no over eating. nothing 

:) 

So as usually ill put my intake in 

Breakfast:

Nothing <3

Lunch: 

Kiwi 14cal

Yoghurt 48.5 cal

Strawberry 5cal

1 new potato 10cal

Dinner:

Chunk of cucumber 2cal

Small corner of bread 5cal

2 cherry tomatoes 5cal

Starburst 20cal! (wouldnt have eaten it if i knew it was 20cal per thing)

Snack:

Bottle of diet pepsi 2cal

<3

Total:111.5 cals

Exercise: 

0 again as babysitting 8am-6pm then theatre at 6.30! 

So not much time. 

Hope your all having a good day. 

-love C

xxxxxx

My theory

So i realised i havent posted in a while, ive been super busy at work bla bla (boring stuff)

 SO i was thinking, how many fat people do you see smiling while walking around? 

You dont because there always out of breath.

How many skinny girls do you see smiling while walking around?

Pretty much all of them, even if there alone. 

I want to be able to have a constant smile fixed to my face.

Managed to loose as i went up to 138 yesterday. so back down to 137.4lbs. 

pretty much only ate fruit yesterday. and have a portion of chips at 1am as i was starving from no dinner. 

im still on my antibiotics so i cant drink but you know what, i feel better today, i still had a good night out, and i didnt gain any weight because i danced it all off and didnt have any alcohol calories! 

Same again tonight so im looking for another loose. i hope. 

Have to go for lunch with the girls but not being hungover im not dying for food, think im just going to go there for the company. 

I enjoyed having one of the guys who 2 of the girls in the group know well and bought him out started talking to me saying how skinny im getting. 

I hadnt realised he goes to the gym everyday. arrives 30mins before i leave if im late or just as im finishing in the gym. And he was saying how i look different everytime. (that my boobs look bigger when im not in gym clothes as i must have an extremly tight sports bra - then had to explain to him what a push up bra was!) I really liked it, hes my new best friend. Anybody who thinks im slimming down is my new best friend. 

Do you hate the way people who notice you lost weight saying but you wernt fat to begin with? If i wasnt fat to begin with how have i managed to loose 20lbs and still have more left on me to go? if there wasnt anything to loose how have i done that?

I think girls have a side motive. They dont want you to get skinnier than them because that then means they have to do some work so they remain the hot skinny friend and dont turn into the 'fat friend'

Sorry this post is a bit of a ramble! 

Stay strong and Think Thin

<3

-C

Such a terrible blogger

So the main reason ive been so bad at blogging is that i put on 3lbs over the weekend and ive been trying desperatly to loose it all. 

Currently at 139.4lbs

I will get lower. 

I dont understand how i didnt loose more weight. 

1 hour at the gym and then an hour step class. 

My thighs were burning. 

how did i loose 0.2lbs? 

Ive been down to 136lbs therfore i know my body can get to it. 

All ive eaten today is soup:125kcals. 

Im not planning on eating much more. 

Perhaps some fruit after the gym and before legs bums and tums. 

Other than that nothing. 

Thinking of taking a laxi before LBT and so for tomorrow morning it will all flow out. 

Last time i took it before bed it didnt kick in untill the middle of the next day. perhaps i need to take more than 2. 

Ill try 3. Whats the harm?

i cant believe ive put all the weight back on.

I have to go out clubbing on saturday as a old friend is leaving to go do a season abroad for the summer. I was discussing with a friend that i dont want to go because i hate the hangovers. She mentioned that I never used to get hangovers because i used to vomit at the end of the night wether i needed to or not. because i hated the feeling of going to sleep drunk. 

Why did i stop doing that? sounds like a great habbit to get back into. Drink alcohol have my chips then when i get home lean over the toilet and let it all come out. I could do it in the street straight after food if i wanted to infront of all my friends. Nobody would suspect a thing! Even at home in the privacy of my own toilet, i wont have to worry about putting the shower on to mask the noise of my choking while i slide my fingers further down my throat. I can simply say, i feel really ill but its not working, im going to make myself sick and they will smile and accept it and not think anything of it! 

If i do that i dont need to make sure i have a slice of bread of something before i drink to line my stomach. I can leave it empty and just vomit the whole night every time i feel im getting just a bit too drunk. 

Maybe i wont even drink that much as the alcohol will hit my empty stomach harshly making one drink tip me into drunk. 

Sorry for all of this talk. I just dont know anymore. 

The scales arent moving much anymore, im not noticing a difference in my body.

I need to see something change. if my weight doesnt move why arnt i seeing toning going on on my belly or legs?

Why is there just no difference. 

Ahhh im going to stop now as im rambling and making bad reading. 

Sorry. 

-C 

Whats happend to me

I just cant seem to do anything right. 

Scales are showing a higher number today. 

i stress/anger ate late last night. 

I feel that ever since i had the stomache flu everything has been different. I havent been purging which is deffintily a good thing. I guess the fact that i had 7 hours of constant vomiting kind of put me off it. 

idk, you know when you have something every single day that your mind just doesnt want it anymore and however much you think about it your body doesnt crave it. Well thats what its like. 

It feels like that stomach flu has done that with the purging and the restricting. I find it so hard. 

I used to look at my belly and HATE myself and if i was hungry id say no and be able to walk past food. 

I did that today i said no im not hungry anymore. Walked past the food and took a handfull of savoury bites. 

i need to clamp down. Why am i finding it so difficult latley. I thought my motivation was back yesterday....Looks like it isnt. 

still going to the gym everyday which is good, but it doesnt really help when your weight is still creaping up because im eating so much. 

Atleast im not 140+ 

 still in the 130's JUST!

Todays intake so far:

3 handfulls of savoury bites : 150cals

Tomato soup: 125cals

Clementine: 35 cals

Going to the cinema tonight. So im going to try and have another bowl of soup after the gym so im not starving ... lie in bed and not think about food or have any savoury bites. and then i dont want popcorn but R always seems to be forcing me to eat and i guess hes a reason why ive been so bad in a way. Me not wanting to worry him therfore i eat all the time with him. and its junk food most of the time. 

so if i stick with my plan i will have consumed approx : 685cals 

125 - soup 

250 - small popcorn

At the gym i usually burn 380 odd calories.... need to start doing some sit ups. My belly is getting humungous.

Its very depressing!

Stay Strong 

-C

Dorritos and Penut Butter

Ok so i just had to stop myself from having theeee most weirdest binge ever!

Bored rummaging through my parents cupboards and i see penut butter and want a sandwich

....

as ive given up bread i was very good at sticking to that and saying no!

So what did i do instead ... no not eat it alone i found an opened packet of doritios and yes used the penut butter as dip. Was strangly delicious. 

Or the fact that im just soo hungry food just taste good no matter what it is. 

Didnt go made like i usually do. Probably only had a very large handfull of doritos all with a big scoop of penut butter. Had to stop as my mouth got to dry and sticky from the penut butter. 

Damn not being at my house were i had just stocked up my cupboard with binge approved snack bars! 70cals

stupid parents having stupid food in there house which i foolishly chucked out of my house. 

Stupid Internet for not working at my house which is the reason im at my parents house to waste 4 hours untill my LBT class and distract myself so i dont eat. 

Stupid me for going into the kitchen for a cup of tea because i was feeling hungry and stupidly opening the cupboards for food. Stupid me for being strong enough to say no to a Marie biscuit thats only 20cal so went in search of something else i couldnt say no to. 

Ergh why am i just soooo stupid. 

FML

-C

YAY!!

 

 141.0lbs

Oh you dont know how happy that has made me! 

So after yesterdays amazing weight loss ive had my cucumber and carrot sticks for lunch ... im quite hungry and im not going to the gym but swimming at 7. 

So ill going home and have my soup, then when i come back from swimming ill have a jumbo snack a jack ... only 41cals for those.

Exactly the same as yesterday so lets hope ive lost :) 

I think from eating a semi normal diet for a week going back to this has really  confused my body so ill loose it quick and then probably hit a plateau by the end of next week ... as long as im comfortably in the 130's ill be happy! 

So as work hours have gone down even more i have thursdays off so i have signed myself up for a Yoga class i used to do when i was back in school. 10.30am ... its good as it gives me a reason to get out of bed and out of the house so im not munching. So i can do that have a rest for lunch then go back and do a gym session. 

ALSO have a legs bums and tums partner (im having to pay half for her as shes not a member) so that will be good late on a wednesdays and also keep me busy. So thats going to be a busy day. Gym 3.30 till 4.30 then LBT 6.30 till 7.30! 

Must keep myself busy so i dont snack. 

hope your all doing well :) 

<3

-C