Wishes and dreams

To have the 'gaunt look' 

To sit up and just have one skin roll ... Not fat

To lie down and be able to see straight down your pants as your hips bones stick out so much

To be able to see the whole of your spine when you bend forward

To see your ribs on your back. 

To be able to see the full length of your collar bone

To have your chest bones showing

To have that flat stomach

To have that gap between your legs.

To wear those size 8 shorts and for them to look to big

To have that hunger pang that means your not bloated

To have that pang that means your on  the right lines

to have that pang that means your getting thinner

to have that pang that means you will get your goal

For the girls to be jealous

for the guys to want you to be thiers

For everyone to see the control you have

For everyone to see your strong

9 hours awake today. 

0 cals consumed

I will get what i want.

 

138.8lbs 

So i havent posted in a while, no its not because ive been away again. 

Ive been in my little town doing nothing...well not nothing. Ive been stuffing my face. 

So i havent wanted to post as ive been ever soo ashamed. But im now back into the 130's and I SHALL NOT get back into the 140's

Im back at the gym now. 

45mins Cross Trainer/elliptical (Whatever you want to call it)

5 Mins Wobble Machine. <-- LOVE THAT THING
 

Breakfast- Nothing

Lunch - 1/2 pack Spanish cherry tomatoes

Dinner - 2 Charlotte Pots

Small dipping bread in aviolli 

Small dipping bread with penut butter

Crisp Sandwich :(

But hey i still lost so fingers crossed for more losses. 

And seeing as ive been eating like a pig recently the weight should fall off. 

Ive realised i havent been loosing and when i do its because im drinking lots of water. So im back on my 2 litres of water thing. I can have a mini pig out as long as i have the water!!! 

and doing that i dont seem to have to much of a gain so yes. JUT DRINK WATER! 

how have all of y'all been doing?

Fingers crossed not failing like me. 

Ive been really terrible with reading blogs aswell. - SORRY!

But i will read as many as i can but i think ill only go back a day as i dont have enough time! 

Again sorry for abandoning you all. 

-Love C

xxxxxx

Hello Strangers

Im soooo sorry i havent posted in a few days, but my weight has ben up and down and im just trying to get back to my post bing bing bing weight: I keep having really really good days were i feel like im on target, i go to R's and he feeds me. I have to eat it because he doesnt believe me that im eating when im at home! 

He knows im going to the gym can he not think that the weight loss is because of that? Not because of near starvation?

Does he not understand that i LOVE the feeling of being hungry and starving myself?

I drew up Marla and my plan last night (before i went to R's) and its pretty rough untill i can be bothered to do it all over again...Ill scan it in while im at work!

To show you the type of failure i am my weight has gone up to 142.0lbs!!!!!!!! 

142.0lbs ..... thats fricking huge! 

not seeing R so i wont eat what i dont really want. 

Yesterdays intake:

Breakfast: nothing :) ]

Lunch: Cucumber Sandwich + Fruit selection - 100cals

After Gym Snack: Banana - 100cals

Dinner: Mixed Salad - 170 cals

Total:  370

Gym workout total: 410cals burned

What i then went on to eat at R's:

Tuna sandwich (with horrible thick white bread) 300cals

Wotsits: 95cals

2 digestive biscuits: 75cals

Total: 470cals + 370cals = 840cals (sucks how that makes me gain!)

HELP ME! why do i gain on 800 calories, why do i have to stay under 500 even when im working out. 

Would be great to have an allowance of no gaining untill im over 1000cals 

All it means is im going to have to restrict more to get the fat off my body! 

Not feeling well today, pretty much the same as every other day. 

Just the feeling to be sick everywere, headache etc. Think i have a virus :(

Great timing with skiing at the weekend! 

Stay Strong and Think Thin. 

-C

Interesting girls night

Didnt think girls night was going to happen but it did,

So 1100cals later (ontop of my calories already) we are all talking about weight. Isnt it funny how girls all think about this. We were going through pictures of girls and they were saying all of the pictures i picked out (pretty much everyone thats been on this blog) were way to skinny and looked ill.

I dont think that i have ever put a picture up of a girl that look ill. they all look perfect.

But then again the two girls i was with who were saying it, one went all quiet and pretended to sleep as we worked out our BMI's (i already knew mine, but couldnt exactly tell them that) L and I were in the lower half of healthy but B was well into the overweight section. What really pissed me off and made me eat soooo much is that she kept saying, i must just be heavier because were the same size! OMG I actually wanted to cry, purge and repeat. But i cant do that with them here, and even when there gone i cant as my brother is in the house sleeping right by the bathroom so he WILL be able to hear.

So i ate. A WHOLE pizza and 5 chicken balls.

I am so full all i want to do is be sick. might turn the shower on and purge.... why do i have to be such a loud puker?

L suggested us doing a restriction diet and go down to 1200cals. Little does she know.

Atleast ive managed to keep up appearances infront of my friends.

Ergh i feel terrible ... Im going to purge. I dont care if my brother hears ... ill say i must not have cooked the pizza right or something, not that he cares.

Stay Strong and think Thin. 

-C 

Failure

I binged then purged

F**king great.

It's started again.

-C

Something to admit

I did binge. I dread to think of the damage i have done to my body. 

I know it cant be doing good b/p is not good. 

Trying to do it quietly while my housemates sleep in the silent house where the walls are paper thin.

Good luck. Going to have to answer questions tomorrow. Blame it on the Medicine. 

Read the side effects when i first got it and when i read 'may cause vomiting' is it bad that i imediatly thought, i can purge without waiting to be alone or running around like a ninja to hide it. If they hear i can use it as an excuse. Im not a very good liar though, so i may just avoid them in the morning.

I feel soo weak after purging, I dont enjoy doing it and i really dont suggest it to anyone.
Only problem is i still feel massivly bloated and i didnt manage to get half as much as i wanted out of me as i did. 

I dont think i even went over 1500cals 

Started my evening at 411cals

Went on to eat half a giant pack of salt and vinegar cruchy sticks: 367cals

7 Cheese twists:291cals

and a VERY VERY large tablespoon of my friends Chocolate rolo pudding: FUCK KNOWS Cals

Total: 1069cals in total for my day!!!

Really wish i had the body i want. 

I really wish i had somebody i could talk to in the real world about all this stuff who will understand and not judge me or try to change me. 

My mood has been up and down like a yoyo. When im with my friends I can put on such a happy face i almost make myself believe that im happy. But when alone again i just want to go under the covers and cry. i feel soo Alone!

Im pushing R away as i dont want him to see me like this and i dont want him to worry or worst get suspicious and find out about what i going through.

Dont want to take anything out on him either. 

So im pushing him away to make sure he doesnt reject me.
Such a vicious cycle im in, and i dont know what to do! I dont want him to stop loving me or to leave me, but i cant avoid him forever. maybe ill see him tomorrow and if it doesnt go as well as i want it to ill reassess tomorrow. 

Think im going to try and sleep this all off. 

Good Night, Stay Stronger than me and think thin. 

- Love C

Update

Today:

Breakfast: 1 mango 124cal

Lunch: Cucumber sandwich 100cal

Dinner: Ceasar Salad: 125cal

Snack: 3 pieces of galaxy my colleague gave me and im sooo week! 105cal

And because i stupid forgot to take my medicine at dinner, and i have to eat when i take it: Sandwich:55cal

Total:508cal

Welcome new followers :) Always nice to know people are out there!
A bit of Thinspiration for you all.

 

 

 

Stay Strong and Think Thin

-C