binge purge and repeat

So i found out my housemate is moving out, and i might be made redundant. 

So yesterday i found out about my job so i binged!

Was at R's so couldnt purge. 

And found out today my housemate has found a new house with his girlfriend of SIX MONTHS!

im happy because i fucking hate living with him! I just cant stand it. hes a nice person i just hate living with him and everthing he does. if he moves out i doubt ill ever talk to him again. 

But a girlfriend of six months is he playing some sick joke. I actually just want to laugh in his face and watch him ruin his life! 6 months of the two of them being together to move in and sign a 6 month contract! It's going to fail and im going to be there at the end screaming i told you so! 

His girlfriend stopped him staying here (his own home) because she didnt like that he lived with me. Somebody who is barley here because i have a boyfriend and spend most of my time there. Got jealous that his BEST female friend that hes known since junior school and she is one of the lads ... and not the smallest person ever. But she stayed in the guys tent at reading when they were high and drunk and she called him up saying hes not allowed to stay in that tent! OMG there as bad as each other.

I know i sound like a class A bitch, but im in a foul mood as you can tell and i just think its fucking rediculous and because there being idiots to move in so soon, i cant wait for it to end in tears and say i told you so!

Oh another addition to why im in such a bitchy foul mood is that i had lunch with my friend today: had a jacket potato with beans and cheese and garlic bread with cheese and curly fries.... I broke lent, then i purged. 

I then raided my cupboards and ate a whole packet of tuk biscuits ... 25 cals each but when you have about 25 of them its not good! 

Oh and then i purged that up! 

I then drank a WHOLE carton of apple juice to try use a natural laxative ... Normally works straight away. NADA. so thats just calories sitting there. 

Oh AND i have an organised dinner to go to.

Chicken, gammon and pinnaple mixed in sour cream and wrapped in pastry ... Not healthy!!!

Ergh i just want to cut my belly off! its soo fat and disgusting. why cant people see how horrible i look and smack every bit of food out of my hands?

Atleast i got some exercise in. 

  C

-Fatty McFat Fat over and out

Interesting girls night

Didnt think girls night was going to happen but it did,

So 1100cals later (ontop of my calories already) we are all talking about weight. Isnt it funny how girls all think about this. We were going through pictures of girls and they were saying all of the pictures i picked out (pretty much everyone thats been on this blog) were way to skinny and looked ill.

I dont think that i have ever put a picture up of a girl that look ill. they all look perfect.

But then again the two girls i was with who were saying it, one went all quiet and pretended to sleep as we worked out our BMI's (i already knew mine, but couldnt exactly tell them that) L and I were in the lower half of healthy but B was well into the overweight section. What really pissed me off and made me eat soooo much is that she kept saying, i must just be heavier because were the same size! OMG I actually wanted to cry, purge and repeat. But i cant do that with them here, and even when there gone i cant as my brother is in the house sleeping right by the bathroom so he WILL be able to hear.

So i ate. A WHOLE pizza and 5 chicken balls.

I am so full all i want to do is be sick. might turn the shower on and purge.... why do i have to be such a loud puker?

L suggested us doing a restriction diet and go down to 1200cals. Little does she know.

Atleast ive managed to keep up appearances infront of my friends.

Ergh i feel terrible ... Im going to purge. I dont care if my brother hears ... ill say i must not have cooked the pizza right or something, not that he cares.

Stay Strong and think Thin. 

-C 

Im Sorry

141.4lbs

im sorry,

Im giving up the 30day challenge. I havent been doing so well on it. 

It trigger binges, and because i binge i purge. And im trying to stop that!

ive noticed my teeth are getting more and more yellow

YUK

So im going back to my 500cal allowance. If i go over its then my problem.

500cals gives me tons to play with rather than 150.

Again im super sorry..

2 Jumbo cornish pastys yesterday 1000cals
Tuna melt baguette 300cals

Total: 1300cals

Disgrace.

Ill do better today - i promise.

Gym tonight. I  WILL go.

Stay Strong and Think Thin.

I will get down to 130lbs by the end of April if it kills me. I must! If im lower its BRILLIANT.

Hope you all had a nice Valentines day!

-Love C

Xxx

Failure

I binged then purged

F**king great.

It's started again.

-C

ABC 30 Day Challenge: Day 8 & 9

Just a quick note, Sorry i didnt post yesterday, i have been really busy and trying to keep up appearances is HARD!

Day 8: 400cals

4 small maryland cookies 100cals

cucumber sandwich on white bread 150cals

Cheesy Wotsits 95cals
Total: 345cals

Question: Three Things you want to say to different People?
To R: I love you, im sorry i cant say it. I guess its something to do with letting people in or something, or maybe im just completly messed up. But i do. I really do.

To J (R's best friend who i dated 3 months before R): Your so insecure, having to try and ruin things between R and i because we didnt work out. Also i want my DVD's back and if you dont ill let R know that you still have all the texts and pictures i sent you ... he wont be happy about that will he and you KNOW all of your friends think your a massive bellend for showing them the pictures already, they will think your on a complete new low with this. Oh and they already think your pathetic for being jealous and being mean to R for actually being nice to me! (even though i could never do that and ruin sombody's life even if they deserve it)

To J (My best friend): Where have you been? I know your serious with your boyfriend, but you were before you broke up for a month and you still made time to see me. In the month you wernt together you spent pretty much every day with me and i helped pick you up and put you back together and make you see things clearly. You then got back together with him and shut not only me out but EVERYONE. We know you have a new job but it doesnt go on that late that you cant stop by my house on your way home (which you have to pass anyway) I miss you and would be really good to tell my best friend about whats going on in my life. Do you even know about R and I? No because you dont reply to texts, phone calls. The only way I know you still think of me as your best friend is when i visit your store and you say ooooo give my best friend here a discount.

Day 9: 500cals
Juice: 300cals

Cucumber Sandwich: 50cals
Salad: 130cals
Total: 480cals

Question: Pet Peeves
People using slang words i.e totes, foreves, nout, lol etc Just say the whole word! How much time are you saving?!?!
Also the toilet seat being left up. It should stay down.

Oh just thought i would let you know Day 7 didnt go as well as planned. I didnt end up having the spaghetti, i went to have dinner with my dad as he had to stay behind while my mum went to visit my nan as he had to work and was going to be eatng alone and i felt really bad. So i had a chinese. I regret to inform you girls that my 30days detox from not purging didnt happen :( I then went out and got drunk and had chips for my walk home! What a disaster. So my weight is now 140.6lbs but i am on my period and im pretty amazed it hasnt gone up more if im honest!

Stay Strong and Think Thin

p.s Sorry abotu the long post.

-C

Not doing so good

Girls i regret to inform that 2 cupcakes later im 100cals over my 200 cals allowance already.
But i still dont feel good.

Im used to hunger pains but this is ALOT worse, i feel dizzy, sick and well like im about to pass out. I have consumed 300cals and i still feel awfull. Trying not to scavenge for food but i might not have a choice if this feeling carries on and i have to do a 30minute drive home in the snow! Id prefer not to have a serious crash thanks.

I will NOT purge. I said i wouldnt, even though its all i want to do right now.

Im sorry i have let you down. Ill do better this evening. Deffinitly skipping a meal. Ill just lie in bed and not move that way if i pass out it wont matter!

Stay Strong and think thin.

-C

30 Day Challenge: Day 1&2

So i decided to do a 30 day challenge, Ive been thinking of doing one for a while.

Fingers crossed this will trick my body and help me loose more weight, even if it doesnt the calories are low and it will help keep me motivated and on track!

So im going to start on day 2 as i ate only 131cals yesterday. But was tooo dead to do anything let alone post.

Im also going to answering the 30 day challenge questions :

So here goes. 

Yesterday's intake:500cals or less

British breakfast: mia'd

Half Tuna Sandwich on danish brown bread 48+42=90Cals

1 salt and vinegar jumbo Snack a Jack 41Cals

Total: 131Cals

Question: Write some basic things about yourself.

Im 19years old, 5'10, Live in the UK and currently weigh between 144-145lbs. My UGW is 125lbs. Im fed up of being fat. I sit down and look at my thighs and want to cry. I see my belly rolls and want to cry. When i look down to see these i get a double chin and again i want to cry.

I hate my body, and im willing to do ANYTHING to have something that will make me happy.

I have a lovely boyfriend, R, but all of this is making me question if i should even have one right now.

At the beginning of January i weighed 158lbs.

This blog and you girls are the only thing that mean the world to me currently, If i didnt have you id be 100% lost.

Todays intake: 500cals or less

2 Clementine segments 6cals

Half Tuna Sandwich on danish brown bread 48+42=90Cals

1 salt and vingear Jumbo Snack a Jack 41 Cals 

Ceasar Salad 130cals

Total: 261Cals

Question: 10 likes and Dislikes

1. I like socialising, I dislike My body

2. I like Salads, I dislike gaining weight

3. I Like Shopping, I dislike spending money

4. I like having family round, I dislike how they call me the fat one

5. I like living away from my parents, I dislike having to clean up after my housemates

6. I like my daily comute to work, I dislike doing the horrible jobs 

7. I like tea, I dislike that i have to use lactose free milk (im lactose intolerant)

8. I LOVE my Wednesday girly nights, I dislike that i end up binging

9. I like going over to see my boyfriend, I dislike that he always feeds me wotsits

10. I Couldnt live without my phone, I dislike that i cant live without it.

Generally i eat more but after my weekend i cant really handle much. Im very fragile at the moment! (too much alcohol consumed)

Hopefully ill stick to this plan so i dont purge. Im going to add that into my 30 day challenge. NO BINGING AND PURGING! 

Its becoming too much of a habbit. Oh its ok, i can eat that Ill just go upstairs and purge it up straight after!

Stay Strong and Think Thin. 

- C

Could I have binged any more?!

250cals at the start then it began!!!

Wotsits 95cal
Salt and vinegar French fries:89cals
2 brown bread rolls 200cals
Butter (went for the healthier flora) 70cal
6Biscuits assorted: 180ish cals

Omg Im haven't to stop myself from asking R to go find me more food! I could eat an army! Stupid binge cycles....and I CAN'T purge...my god, you don't know how much i want to, but not my house, his parents are sharing the wall to the bathroom. Ergh, I'm going home tonight to purge. If R will let me. He likes me stay and sleeping with him too much.

Going to hide in shame from the biggest binge of my life! Crisps rolla! What was i thinking?!?!

-C

Something to admit

I did binge. I dread to think of the damage i have done to my body. 

I know it cant be doing good b/p is not good. 

Trying to do it quietly while my housemates sleep in the silent house where the walls are paper thin.

Good luck. Going to have to answer questions tomorrow. Blame it on the Medicine. 

Read the side effects when i first got it and when i read 'may cause vomiting' is it bad that i imediatly thought, i can purge without waiting to be alone or running around like a ninja to hide it. If they hear i can use it as an excuse. Im not a very good liar though, so i may just avoid them in the morning.

I feel soo weak after purging, I dont enjoy doing it and i really dont suggest it to anyone.
Only problem is i still feel massivly bloated and i didnt manage to get half as much as i wanted out of me as i did. 

I dont think i even went over 1500cals 

Started my evening at 411cals

Went on to eat half a giant pack of salt and vinegar cruchy sticks: 367cals

7 Cheese twists:291cals

and a VERY VERY large tablespoon of my friends Chocolate rolo pudding: FUCK KNOWS Cals

Total: 1069cals in total for my day!!!

Really wish i had the body i want. 

I really wish i had somebody i could talk to in the real world about all this stuff who will understand and not judge me or try to change me. 

My mood has been up and down like a yoyo. When im with my friends I can put on such a happy face i almost make myself believe that im happy. But when alone again i just want to go under the covers and cry. i feel soo Alone!

Im pushing R away as i dont want him to see me like this and i dont want him to worry or worst get suspicious and find out about what i going through.

Dont want to take anything out on him either. 

So im pushing him away to make sure he doesnt reject me.
Such a vicious cycle im in, and i dont know what to do! I dont want him to stop loving me or to leave me, but i cant avoid him forever. maybe ill see him tomorrow and if it doesnt go as well as i want it to ill reassess tomorrow. 

Think im going to try and sleep this all off. 

Good Night, Stay Stronger than me and think thin. 

- Love C

A New Day, A fresh Start

145lbs

A new day, atleast ive lost even if it is just .6 of a pound!

Today im going to be better! I do have to go to the pub tonight for my friends birthday, but being ill i can use it as an excuse not to drink or stay too long. That way i can stick to orange cordial (save on money too, only 30p)

R is fighting himself at the moment as to whether or not he's joining me, He said he wants to come out because its my best friends birthday and he wants to be there with me, but he doesnt want to go out because he doesnt feel like it and wants to save on money. Ive told him to stay in, but think he will end up coming out and being there sober with me :)

I just have to find a way to stop him trying to feed me!
When he moves out into his own house he wont have all that unhealthy stuff and will be soo low on money that he wont want to share his food! SCORE!

IKEA tomorrow, i cant wait. Maybe this is why im in such a good mood?
Can finally have a bedroom that looks like its lived in, not just a temporary thing.

Im really enjoying the support from all of you guys at the moment, knowing your here to help me back up when i fall. It really is soothing and reasuring :)

So a BIG THANK YOU <3 

you guys are my rock!
 

Stay Strong and Think Thin. 

Lots of Love

-C

So weak

Not as bad as last night but a handfull of party rings...not even sure on the calories and those darn wotsits...R thinks I don't eat enough, so I've had to start lying to him about what I've eaten that day.

It's all fine untill he goes downstairs to get me my water and always comes back with wotsits ...this time partyrings too!

I'll just have to go without a drink or bring my own to avoid him going down. I can't not eat when he's suspicious.

Not impressed with myself atall.

Might try and stay at mine tonight to get rid of it, managed to stay away from that while I've been ill, but two nights in a row? Soo fat I want to cry!

- a very ashamed C

Saturday Night

So tonight im felling a little bit down, had to spend the day with my mum to try and cheer her up and help her through her depression. (its so strange seeing your mum go through something you have been through, deffinitly made me never want to go back to how i was, i know how horrible it can be)

went and saw war horse ... anybody who is planning on seeing it, seriously take some tissues. It is so sad!

R is being perfect lately however he is haviung second doubts about us being together. He says he has had a sudden realisation that we both live in two completly different words, me the posh rich world and him the not so much. But what different does it make when he makes me happy and all i want to do is be with him and show him off to my parents which he most deffinitly does not want to do.

I dont want to force him into anything!

Still on a slightly heavier weight ... dont want to even admit the weight i am, it just feels sooo heavy and that ive let you guys down. Think back to when i was 158lbs, sooo happy im not that anymore but my current weight still feel obese to that!

Ended up with my head in a toilet after tonight, yes i have been drinking but i dint have to! i just couldnt help myslef! onl.y really had a tuna baguette for luch time as i was with my mum.

fingers crossed ive lost tomorrow, i bloodey hope i have!

had to get ready quickly tonight and ended up at my friends house not ready and having to try on a ton of her tops. Was horrible trying on a ton of size 8 tops with my boobs and arms too big! She was saying i look good in all these tops when infact they were uncomfortable and too tight. Didnt tell her though just smilled and said thank you. 

Why cant i be the size she is, shes only 2-3" smaller than me, i shoould be closer to her size than i am, not this huge fat piece of lard pretending i can fit into her clothes. 

tomorrow i have a family outing to a family friends house, thank god they are very into their health as T's mum used to be a model, T has an amazing body i wish i had too! She is just perfect, a nice petite but curvy skinny type of body.

Makes me want to cry slightly!

Right bed time!

Think Thin

- C

Sick as a Dog

146.6lbs Im getting there, not long till i hit my 2nd GW.

Unfortunatly im really low on energy and feeling really ill. well i think its an illness. Im ignoring my hungerpains as im home today and dont really need to leave my bed. But i cant shake off my feeling to pass out or go and be sick.

This might have something to do with drinking pretty much a whole bottle of benylin cough medicine yesterday, god i really wish i didnt do that. I feel positivly awful.

Swam 36 lengths yesterday, that probably didnt help this illness.

Keeping today's post short as im not feeling 100% and im soo tired from being up all night coughing!

Think Thin

-C

What a miserable Thursday

So my day isnt going very well, how's yours?
Couldn't get to sleep last night knowing that i had fatty foods layering the inside of my body, so yes i did make an unwanted trip to the bathroom. Did i enjoy it? Of course not. Did it make me feel better? Slightly.
I then found it hard to get to sleep after that as i couldnt stop thinking about why im suddenly always making myself sick when i go over my limit or i just eat something i really wish i hadnt. What does this mean? I dont want to go down that path.

So waking up this morning after a very disturbed nights sleep, i feel sluggish, achey, grumpy and well overall in a crappy mood. This may have something to do with pms though!

Really would have likes to see R tonight as planned as when im with him everything i think about normally goes away and i almost believe my 'happy face' front. But unfortunatly a guy has been a right jerkmonkey to my friend B so im having to host a late night movie session to cheer her up. Probably not in the best mood for this. Fingers crossed she isnt expecting pringles and dip, ice cream and sweets. Think i really would kill myself.

Lots of water drinking today to flush out yesterday's dirt. My usual Half tuna sandwich to eat momentarily. 

Atleast this means i can go for a 7till 8 swim tonight as im now free untill 8.30. 

My weight did go up, back to 150.6lbs. Ergh im such a giant. 

Bad moods really do suck!

Think thin <3

-C

All time low

Family trip out to the cinema and they said we would eat before, I thought the ment at there house so I said ok. But then as soon as I get there I get hurried into the car and told I'm going to pizza hut! I'm forced to eat.2slices of pizza and 2 bits of garlic bread...not to mention the salad bowl.
Only thing I had control over so it was mostly cucumber and a bit of sweetcorn.
I feel positivly sick.
Going to the toilet and I find myself yet again trying to purge! Found i couldn't do it in the silent bathroom and I'm bot exactly quiet.
Before this I'd only eat half a penut butter sandwhich 155cals so pizza hut must only have been around 150cal each sliceof pizza and around 120cal per garlic bread so 540 for that...and salad I'm rounding up to about 150cal. So total for today: 945cal and with all my drinks...not water I'm rounding it up to 1000ish. Ergh, been on under 400cal so this is disgusting. Thank god I did 20mins on the bike today. How do I get rid of calories eaten!!

Fast tomorrow.

Fat whale of lard, over and out! (Off to see mission impossible)

-C

Goal #1 complete

 

150lbs YES 149.6lbs
It's bliss isnt it, reaching your first goal weight?
Only problem is the how im getting there. Im havent got BN nor do i want it, But again after my half can of spaghetti hoops it dissagred with me making me feel sick, and tada i had to make myself to make the pain stop.
Im not sure if its just certain foods not agreeing with me or that my state of mind of not really wanting the food in my body is doing this?

Still look through my facebook pictures and all i see is me 'THE GIANT' compared to all my girl friends. We have aranged to go on holiday at the end of may, which means a lot of bad things are going to be put in my body, which i really am not going to want in there.
I want to fit in with the skinny ones when i go, i hate being the fat lump of lard they lug around with them, doesnt help that im 5'10 and the 2nd tallest is 5'7 and smallest is about 5'1.

388.5cals consumes yesterday: My lovely Danish bread is only 65cals per slice, if i have a slice of my parents bread its 120cal!! Think im going to take my bread with me today. 

I have been asked to make my sister a batch of my cupcakes for £10- I think thats a pretty fair deal seeing as for 4 it takes me an hour of non stop working creating the flowers etc. 

Now to work towards my next GW of 140lbs. 

In a good mood today, day off work and reached my GW. Lets not eat crap that will bring my mood down.

 ❆ Think thin and beautiful ❆

-C