Wishes and dreams

To have the 'gaunt look' 

To sit up and just have one skin roll ... Not fat

To lie down and be able to see straight down your pants as your hips bones stick out so much

To be able to see the whole of your spine when you bend forward

To see your ribs on your back. 

To be able to see the full length of your collar bone

To have your chest bones showing

To have that flat stomach

To have that gap between your legs.

To wear those size 8 shorts and for them to look to big

To have that hunger pang that means your not bloated

To have that pang that means your on  the right lines

to have that pang that means your getting thinner

to have that pang that means you will get your goal

For the girls to be jealous

for the guys to want you to be thiers

For everyone to see the control you have

For everyone to see your strong

9 hours awake today. 

0 cals consumed

I will get what i want.

 

Keeping My Promise

So im keeping my promise that i would upload a picture.

I know im not usally one to blur out my face etc but its got W in it and so thought it best! 

The image is awfull and you cant really see the outfit soo tonight im going to get myself into it and take a picture of it on my camera and upload it for you. So you will either get it this afternoon or early morning :) 

my weight is slowly going up and i need it to go down. 

BUT

My card has declined from being sooo far into my overdraft (i dont have an overdraft or limit) that they have actually said enough! 

Ooopps

So cant afford food petrol anything sooooo my weight should platuea for a day or two getting used to being back into starvation mode and then it will start to go down again. 

Im getting back into the gym now. I WILL go tonight. Got my friend whos going to join me so thats a bit of extra motivation! 

 

Im now working 3 jobs as of the 1st october to try and pay for stuff. These other two are two days each both cash in hand so it will give me about 100 a week cash. 

 

But that will mean my october month is fine but then my hours go down at my main job so ill be working that 3 days -_- 

 

So ill have to get the babysitting an extra day. Make my wage go up a bit more as im soo busy and im in demand from the children. (What can i say kids love me....Shame i really cant stand these two kids)

 

And fingers crossed the nightclub gets a third night also that i can work on tills with or something. That would be reallly good. 

 

My addiction to energy drinks isnt going anywhere soon. 

I have to have atleast 1 can of energy drink to feel fine in the mornign otherwise i will be rocking what feels like a hangover untill i have one. 2 days of thinking i had a hangover untill i crached open a can of SF Monster. 3 sips in, headache had gone. I no longer felt like i was going to crash or be sickl. I instantly felt £1000000 pounds.

 

Now to get that much money! 

 

Will try and post pictures later. 

 

Love to you alll <3

 

-C

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Money

Dont you hate the fact how money runs your life?

It dicates your mood just as much as weight. 

No money to go out and enjoy yourself = Bad mood

No money to buy food = Good and bad mood

Enough money to buy lots of yummy fruits and salad bits = Good mood

No money to buy your junk food = VERY BAD MOOD <3

134 this morning. 

Buuuutttttt i didnt get home untill 3.30am 

Drove from Windsor back up nooorth after a night out. 

(well the guy im seeing is an event manager up north and down south, so went with him)

Starving hungry from only having an apple and a bag of crisps all day - I would have gone without but honestly thought i was going to pass out in the club! 

So asked them to pick me up some chicken nuggets and they didnt have any so they bought me a chicken Kebab. 

First time i have ever had one and i can safely say i will never ever EVER have one again. 

ERGH./ 

So that was about 2.30am and waking up early etc no time to digest go through my system and not enough sleep. 

So as i dont have an overdraft i have to pay for borrowing money. This month its £125.00 ONTOP of what i already owe the bank from borrowing. :( 

So i just had a binge on food. Comfort food. 

But not i feel fat urgh and just really want to climb into a big ball in bed. 

I dont get it, the number says i should be skinny but im not! 

I need to do what i did at the beginning of August that got me down from 142 to 132. 

SF Red bull and Apples for lunch and salad for dinner. EVERY day with exercise. 

I want to be 125 or lower. i need to be skinny. i need to have an unexpected picture taken and actually look good any angle!

On the pluss not. Fit a size 8 dont I! Shame i dont look it.

-Love C

xxxxxxxxxxx

You Blocked me on Facebook

132.6lbs

Its soooo strange putting that number! 

Its strange though im still feeling fat, not quite skinny yet. I still have all my fat rolls, im still a size 10. 

I would have though loosing 7lbs would have taken a bit of the weight off but no im the damn same. 

Ive been here for a while so fingers crosed this is my new level to hang around. 

Sorry i havent posted in a while, ive been super super busy. 

I havent let myself have time to think with this break up. 

Ive also been going to my hospital appointment and booking all sorts of things. 

Confirmed cyst in my foot - OH JOY! 

Have to wait untill the 20th August to discuss with my doctor treatment plans. I could ask for any other doctor but you know when you just want your own?

Calmed on the drinking but thats cuz the Promo team are in Windsor. There back tomorrow afternoon. 

They want to see me. I cant have a late night though as i need to be up at 6am Friday morning to get to London For the Olympics. 

:)

Perhaps i could drive to Northampton for the evening and if they do go out only have a few and leave by 1am? 

As im feeling very british here is some British thinspo

<3

-Love C

xxxxxxx

Am I Allowed to secretly love drama?

Firstly I will start with weight.

132.2lbs

Pretty much maintained the past couple of days. Im impressed ith the above number with the amount of alcohol i drank last night.

Soooooooooo

Im helping my friends friend out to help promote a club in need for a launch on august 4th.

Went to meet the team to get to know each other they decided to have drinks. Only 3 guys went and me. Nobody knowing each other.

The guy who im working for so technically my boss, Who is 3 months younger than me and has a better job and earns fuck loads more than me.

#welljel

so we all got hammard, i was only ment to drink 4 alcopops so i could drive home but after the 3rd drinking game i was a goner and noooo way was i driving home.

9 till 12.
Drunk

12-2 AM
Start getting even more drunk and a little tired ... My feet hurt.

2-4 AM
-Sat in my technically boss's hotel room in his bed fully clothed.
- he gives me a top to sleep in
- he knows i broke up with R 3 days ago and that i wasnt going to put out
- he starts attempting to make out with me, My mouth is tightly closed
- He RIPS his top off of me ... I mean its in shreds.
- Im still saying no and we shake on remaining friends with no benefits
- The other 2 guys come to the hotel room, and im just sat awkwardly in bed in my underwear due to the top being ripped off.

4-4.37 AM
- My belly is really starting to hurt and I need to go for a number 2 NOW.
- 3 guys and 1 girl in a hotel room, NOOO THANK YOU,
-I get up to walk out and venture my drive home

4.37-5.00 AM
Think that every car is a police car because im battered but live 20mins drive on the dual carrage way away and i have no money to stay in the main town.

5.00-5.30 AM
- Die on the toilet ... I must have eaten something dodgy.
- Didnt really eat before i came out so cant be that :/

5.30 - 7.30AM
SLEEEEEEEEPPPP

7.30-9.30
-Get ready for work
-Drive to work
-Still Drunk as a skunk

9.30 - Present
-Hanging out of my bumm

I had such a good time and i LOVE it.

I missed it, The getting drunk not having a care in the world, nobody to answer to/

(Just to let you know because i was meeting people i didnt really know, Had only met the boss guy once for an interview, i was texting my friend every hour as to were i was etc just incase)

-Love C
xxxxxxxx

p.s IM BACK

Addicted to weight loss

I wake up and slowly climb out of bed, Stumble sleepily into the bathroom. 

I do the usual, flush, wash hands and brush teeth. 

Walking back into my bedroom i securly shut my door and lift my t-shirt over my head and let it fall into my washing basket. (Friday, Wash day)

I step onto the scales and stare down wide eyed. 

134.4lbs I slam my head into the wall infront of me. 

I refuse to accept that as its answer. 

I bend down to pick it up, Shake it vigerously and gently place back down. 

I slowly step on, fingers crossed while holding the hair out of my face. 

133.6lbs.

It cant be....Can it?

I step on again and again and again.

OK. Ill accept that.

I finally feel free, not angry.



How can a number dictate my mood like that. How can i go from banging my head against a wall to relaxed in less than a nano second. That cant be normal. Thats the same as bi polar or schizophrenia.

Surely others dont feel this way about a number on a scale. They must just accept and walk off not thinking too much about it. 

I get dressed, pull the hair tie off my wrist and pull up my hair into an untiedy ponytail and stroll downstairs. 

2 Banana's 1 apple and a yoghurt for lunch. Not forgetting my sugar free energy drink. 

One slip up with a magnum ice cream however. I dont worry to much as i know what will happen when i get home. 

'thank god for being lactose intolerant otherwise i dont think weight loss would be possible for me' 

Tea with normal milk, ice cream, apples, energy drink. 

You can imagine the after effects for me. 

I think ill have a salad when i get home. Prepare it and then sit in the garden reading my book while inhaling on the end of a cigerette. Oh that cigerette how i long for you while im pulling my hair out working overtime at work.

Oh how you shall calm my breathing down and relax me through and through. If anything bad happens i know i can count on you to be there to calm my down. 

Cinema tonight. I dont worry. Im going with parents and they NEVER get any popcorn. and they are concentrating on me now to loose weight. A member or the family on the female side being a size 10. Unheard of. They make me feel so overwieght. They dont take into concideration that im 4-5 inches taller than them. Im sorry im not under 9 stone. If i was i would be dead. 

I say im down to 9.9 and mother just mutter 'just a bit further' She hasnt mentioned what the finish line is. Who said i was doing this for her? This is all for me thank you very much. I will decide when i have reached the finish line and i certainly am not there. I knew i would get to 130 and see im no different and im not. Still a size 10. Not what i want. Size 8 please. Flat belly with skin not fat rolls please. Small thighs please. Concave would be nice. Size 8...Please.

-Love C

xxxxxx

OMG OMG OMG OMG

my aim is to become this again.

bearing in  mind i started my PERIOD today. 

134.8lbs 

Lowest weight yet baby! 

This is great motivation. Starting wednesday here. 

130 then 125 dont seem so far away now. Just within my reach. 

Ill just need to learn to maintain at 130 as i did 140 and i should be ok. Not sure how i got myself to maintain....Slowly and gradually eating a little bit more each day. And then BAM. not loosing anymore. 

i cannot wait to get smaller and smaller and fit into size 8. 

not too far. it seems weird once being 158lbs and size 12. 

now being 134lbs and size 10. 

Makes me think im going to have to get to 125 to even consider a size 8.

This best not be the case. I dont think id look too skinny. I loved the way i looked when i was around 5'7/5'8 at the time and size 4. 

That was sweet bliss. Everything hung perfectly and i had this FABULOUS hour glass figure going on. Dont believe me?

Who remembers this picture?

yer sorry about the drawing i was bored and going through gcse's

God 15 and 5 years ago! 

No wonder im not that size anymore. 

the one thing i hate is how i used to eat fuck all and smoke lots. no i wasnt heavily into splif's as the drawing says. All my friends were but i did it for a month had a not so great experience and never went back. 

-Love C

xxxxxx