Wishes and dreams

To have the 'gaunt look' 

To sit up and just have one skin roll ... Not fat

To lie down and be able to see straight down your pants as your hips bones stick out so much

To be able to see the whole of your spine when you bend forward

To see your ribs on your back. 

To be able to see the full length of your collar bone

To have your chest bones showing

To have that flat stomach

To have that gap between your legs.

To wear those size 8 shorts and for them to look to big

To have that hunger pang that means your not bloated

To have that pang that means your on  the right lines

to have that pang that means your getting thinner

to have that pang that means you will get your goal

For the girls to be jealous

for the guys to want you to be thiers

For everyone to see the control you have

For everyone to see your strong

9 hours awake today. 

0 cals consumed

I will get what i want.

 

RANT.

So i havent wanted to post due to the weight... 

Im up to 135lbs

Mcdonalds at 3am last night. But im not going to eat poorly any more im actually fed up of all the mcdonalds and fast food. 

Ill make a mini pack dinner? for Tills on saturday so when 2/3am rolls around ill have a nibble on a healthy sandwich rather than chips and nuggets. 

Need to get on drinking lots more water, Only drinking energy drinks is going to dooooo sooooo much damage. 

im eating more than i used to at work aswell

i use to be able to not be hungry off an apple ... JUST ONE APPLE> 

Now i need alot more than that. 

Need to train my body to live off no food;. 

I was reading one of your blogs 

(im hungover and brain isnt working so cant rememeber)

And it was how tehre 133 wanting to get to 126 but it being 'too' skinny. 

Well i want to get to 126 and that will put my bmi to 17.8

9lbs difference ... Not really much. 

And im bouncing from 135 to 133lbs. 

133lb when i dont junk out.....

so really i dont know what difference im going to see from now and 126lbs :/ i still have big things in images, big arms big everything 

I want to be one of those skinny skinny girls

I want people to go yeah shes skinny. 

My friend accidently bought a ton of the same underwear and so shes giving me 2 pairs. There a s/p which is a size 8 and i felt like she was thinking 'your sooo not going to fit into these'

Because i dont look like id fit into a sixe 8 atallll~!! !! 

I want to be skiiny, i dont want a bloated belly, i dont want these huge thighs i want tiny arms with no bingo wings, i dont want that back fat i dont want that double chin. 

I want to be skin and bones

<3

Is that too much to ask for?

Love C 

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Money

Dont you hate the fact how money runs your life?

It dicates your mood just as much as weight. 

No money to go out and enjoy yourself = Bad mood

No money to buy food = Good and bad mood

Enough money to buy lots of yummy fruits and salad bits = Good mood

No money to buy your junk food = VERY BAD MOOD <3

134 this morning. 

Buuuutttttt i didnt get home untill 3.30am 

Drove from Windsor back up nooorth after a night out. 

(well the guy im seeing is an event manager up north and down south, so went with him)

Starving hungry from only having an apple and a bag of crisps all day - I would have gone without but honestly thought i was going to pass out in the club! 

So asked them to pick me up some chicken nuggets and they didnt have any so they bought me a chicken Kebab. 

First time i have ever had one and i can safely say i will never ever EVER have one again. 

ERGH./ 

So that was about 2.30am and waking up early etc no time to digest go through my system and not enough sleep. 

So as i dont have an overdraft i have to pay for borrowing money. This month its £125.00 ONTOP of what i already owe the bank from borrowing. :( 

So i just had a binge on food. Comfort food. 

But not i feel fat urgh and just really want to climb into a big ball in bed. 

I dont get it, the number says i should be skinny but im not! 

I need to do what i did at the beginning of August that got me down from 142 to 132. 

SF Red bull and Apples for lunch and salad for dinner. EVERY day with exercise. 

I want to be 125 or lower. i need to be skinny. i need to have an unexpected picture taken and actually look good any angle!

On the pluss not. Fit a size 8 dont I! Shame i dont look it.

-Love C

xxxxxxxxxxx

You Blocked me on Facebook

132.6lbs

Its soooo strange putting that number! 

Its strange though im still feeling fat, not quite skinny yet. I still have all my fat rolls, im still a size 10. 

I would have though loosing 7lbs would have taken a bit of the weight off but no im the damn same. 

Ive been here for a while so fingers crosed this is my new level to hang around. 

Sorry i havent posted in a while, ive been super super busy. 

I havent let myself have time to think with this break up. 

Ive also been going to my hospital appointment and booking all sorts of things. 

Confirmed cyst in my foot - OH JOY! 

Have to wait untill the 20th August to discuss with my doctor treatment plans. I could ask for any other doctor but you know when you just want your own?

Calmed on the drinking but thats cuz the Promo team are in Windsor. There back tomorrow afternoon. 

They want to see me. I cant have a late night though as i need to be up at 6am Friday morning to get to London For the Olympics. 

:)

Perhaps i could drive to Northampton for the evening and if they do go out only have a few and leave by 1am? 

As im feeling very british here is some British thinspo

<3

-Love C

xxxxxxx

Fore Warning

This is only going to be a small quick post saying i dont know if ill be writing for the following reason. 

R and I broke up. 

This Morning.

Ive been keeping myself busy. Friend at works birthday so shes been filling me with cake and giving me lots of little simple jobs to keep my mind occupied so i dont break down here. 

I dont know what my weight is going to do. 

Im not hungry atall i dont feel anything. 

i dont know if im going to break down at my desk and not be able to move or perhaps on my drive home. probably niether. 

probably when he is dropping my stuff off. 

So by the fact of me not know what my weight is going to do i dont like posting about me gaining only loosing. 

I hate this. 

Deppresion oh how i open you with open arms.

Have i smiled today?

Fake ones sure beneath my sunglasses at strangers. 

9months....Gone

I.Want.My.Bed.

I.Want.My.Mum.

I just want a hug :(

-Love (a rather depressed) C

xxxxx

Addicted to weight loss

I wake up and slowly climb out of bed, Stumble sleepily into the bathroom. 

I do the usual, flush, wash hands and brush teeth. 

Walking back into my bedroom i securly shut my door and lift my t-shirt over my head and let it fall into my washing basket. (Friday, Wash day)

I step onto the scales and stare down wide eyed. 

134.4lbs I slam my head into the wall infront of me. 

I refuse to accept that as its answer. 

I bend down to pick it up, Shake it vigerously and gently place back down. 

I slowly step on, fingers crossed while holding the hair out of my face. 

133.6lbs.

It cant be....Can it?

I step on again and again and again.

OK. Ill accept that.

I finally feel free, not angry.



How can a number dictate my mood like that. How can i go from banging my head against a wall to relaxed in less than a nano second. That cant be normal. Thats the same as bi polar or schizophrenia.

Surely others dont feel this way about a number on a scale. They must just accept and walk off not thinking too much about it. 

I get dressed, pull the hair tie off my wrist and pull up my hair into an untiedy ponytail and stroll downstairs. 

2 Banana's 1 apple and a yoghurt for lunch. Not forgetting my sugar free energy drink. 

One slip up with a magnum ice cream however. I dont worry to much as i know what will happen when i get home. 

'thank god for being lactose intolerant otherwise i dont think weight loss would be possible for me' 

Tea with normal milk, ice cream, apples, energy drink. 

You can imagine the after effects for me. 

I think ill have a salad when i get home. Prepare it and then sit in the garden reading my book while inhaling on the end of a cigerette. Oh that cigerette how i long for you while im pulling my hair out working overtime at work.

Oh how you shall calm my breathing down and relax me through and through. If anything bad happens i know i can count on you to be there to calm my down. 

Cinema tonight. I dont worry. Im going with parents and they NEVER get any popcorn. and they are concentrating on me now to loose weight. A member or the family on the female side being a size 10. Unheard of. They make me feel so overwieght. They dont take into concideration that im 4-5 inches taller than them. Im sorry im not under 9 stone. If i was i would be dead. 

I say im down to 9.9 and mother just mutter 'just a bit further' She hasnt mentioned what the finish line is. Who said i was doing this for her? This is all for me thank you very much. I will decide when i have reached the finish line and i certainly am not there. I knew i would get to 130 and see im no different and im not. Still a size 10. Not what i want. Size 8 please. Flat belly with skin not fat rolls please. Small thighs please. Concave would be nice. Size 8...Please.

-Love C

xxxxxx

The Truth.

 

And the Winner is ..... WinterA

(btw that picture is because im talking about men and well alcide from true blood is super hot)

ME-  Decided against being a fb friend then? Fair enough. See you around x

A- my girlfriend went mental that i added you so i kind of have to. even though weve never actually spoken. sorry x

Winter was correct that it was the girlfriend. 

Another strange thing that happend (things seem to come in 3's with me)

My ex boyfriend from school turned around and said i go for jerks but thats not all i attract as hes changed now and he likes me likes me. 

Wtf its been like 3-4 years since we dated.

Also found out R and his mates decided to get hold of him on a night out i said hi as i havent seen him in time as he goes to uni up in wales. and say oh btw this is C's Boyfriend. Wtf!? Jealous much. Cant stand jealous people/ 

R was once talking to his ex called me over and i left saying i dont want to get to know her but i have no problem you too catching up. I know hes mine and i trust him. Same with him talking to girls on fb or in the pub/club.

And then R was in an full on mood last night. 

If i got a penny for every kiss i got during the night that woke me up id be rich. I was trying to sleep while he got ready for work and hes sat there pecking at my face! He said im the one in a mood because i didnt cuddle in my sleep. He just answered himself....i was asleep! How the heck am i ment to have a brain when sleeping??! 

So thats my come in 3. I want some retail therapy!

-Love C

xxxxxxxxx

138.4

So ive been ill and i would have though my weight would go down more than that but hey ho ... cant get everything you wish for ey! 

So not much has gone on in my life...Except i was in the gym on Monday and as you do, while your bored on the cross trainer(elliptical) staring into space, you stare into space across to all the guys in the weights section. 

Well Tuesday i had a friend request. Didnt know who it was. Have one mutual friend and i dont even know that mutual friend. But i recognised him. Hes the very muscular, Very beautifull Gym guy i stare at. 

He must have searched MY name out of the sign in book. Which means he was paying attention to when i was leaving and well in general me. 

He has a girlfriend too. Or so says facebook. 

Why would he add me. I've only ever stared at him gormlessly. 

Guessing he has stared back at me! 

Im excited for my next visit to the gym but sort of scared to go. I dont want to be sweating it out if hes there paying attention to me. 

I dont like that im liking the attention from some other guy. 

Couldnt have come at a worse time as R is being very very Clingy as he thinks im going to run off. and doing that he will hug me just a little too tight and squeeze me, and has got into a habbit of holding my arms down to make out with me to the extent that hes crushing my wrists. He will hug me and put HIS leg over me ... Just be the clingy girlfriend. he's spoiling me with gifts as if hes trying to buy me. He said he was too ill Wednesday to see me and that he was jut going to sleep. So i said my friend was going to come over and keep me company ana tada hes feeling 10x better and wants to come over. WTF. you cant be jealous of a female friend.

See not the best time for somebody to be paying me attention. Specially not somebody beautifull. Thank god this guy has a girlfriend.

My fabulous perdicament. 

Could never break up with R though....I honestly think he would kill himself if i left.

-Love C

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Cookie Monster

Firstly a BIG BIG BIG thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. 

Really helps knowing that you all know and understand what im going through and that your always here supporting me! 

However...............

Yesterday my car broke down :( 

Thats not all. 

It broke down outside Tesco! 

Thats not all. 

Due to the stress of having your car thickly smoke i bought stress food.

Crisps, Sausage roll, COOKIES. 

Thats not all. 

Mother picked me up and took me to hers. 

What happened when i got to hers?

SHE FED ME ALL THIS JUNK FOOD SHE WANTED TO GET RID OF.

Ive never eaten so much food in my life. 

On the pluss side though im craving tomatoes and fruit :) 

This never happens but maybe its a side of me trying to fight back and say they dont want to wake up in the morning and see 141 on the scales they want to see 131.

I can do this.

WE can do this! 

Who's with me?

Lets start with 1 week. If we make sure we eat our 5 a day fingers crossed by the time we have finished that we wont want any crap of normal foood.

5portions a day of either fruit or veg. 

:D

Stay strong

-Love C

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Need not want

So it's officially come to my attention that the last 10lbs is a need not a want. 

I HAVE to loose the weight if i want to be happy, if i want to stay in my relationship with R. 

I dont want food. I can live off tea, Diet coke and Apple puree.

Suddenly not feeling comfortable around my boyfriend is terrifying, i dont like how this has suddenly come about. Why has this happend. I know he didnt mean it when he called me fat. 

If i looked like that ^^ i wouldnt have a problem. 

I need to get to a weight im happy and where i am now im deffinitly not happy. 

I want my boyfriend to be able to touch me and be comfortable to stand there naked.

ive been with him over 6 months and one word from him and im back to basics. 

I dont hate him for what he said. i know he didnt mean it. Its just in my head.

If i think im fat, and he said im fat, it MUST be true. 

I cant get it out my head. 

You can say im not fat and i know im not the fattest, But i also know im not the skinniest.

I need to do this otherwise hes not going to want to be around me. 

What guy wants to be with a girl who doesnt feel comfortable around him?

I need some serious head help!

-C

Whats happend to me

I just cant seem to do anything right. 

Scales are showing a higher number today. 

i stress/anger ate late last night. 

I feel that ever since i had the stomache flu everything has been different. I havent been purging which is deffintily a good thing. I guess the fact that i had 7 hours of constant vomiting kind of put me off it. 

idk, you know when you have something every single day that your mind just doesnt want it anymore and however much you think about it your body doesnt crave it. Well thats what its like. 

It feels like that stomach flu has done that with the purging and the restricting. I find it so hard. 

I used to look at my belly and HATE myself and if i was hungry id say no and be able to walk past food. 

I did that today i said no im not hungry anymore. Walked past the food and took a handfull of savoury bites. 

i need to clamp down. Why am i finding it so difficult latley. I thought my motivation was back yesterday....Looks like it isnt. 

still going to the gym everyday which is good, but it doesnt really help when your weight is still creaping up because im eating so much. 

Atleast im not 140+ 

 still in the 130's JUST!

Todays intake so far:

3 handfulls of savoury bites : 150cals

Tomato soup: 125cals

Clementine: 35 cals

Going to the cinema tonight. So im going to try and have another bowl of soup after the gym so im not starving ... lie in bed and not think about food or have any savoury bites. and then i dont want popcorn but R always seems to be forcing me to eat and i guess hes a reason why ive been so bad in a way. Me not wanting to worry him therfore i eat all the time with him. and its junk food most of the time. 

so if i stick with my plan i will have consumed approx : 685cals 

125 - soup 

250 - small popcorn

At the gym i usually burn 380 odd calories.... need to start doing some sit ups. My belly is getting humungous.

Its very depressing!

Stay Strong 

-C

BMI

 

139.8lbs

Cant really trust my weight this week being on my period and all.

However the weight gain might have something to do with the fact i only went to a yoga class yesterday and not the gym. But MY GOD do i ache from Legs bums and Tums class. 

The instructor may be beautifull but hes also evil. Was 5 minutes late so he told my friend and i that we will have to serve a punishment.

He meant it!

So yeah ... Being 5'10 (being tall sucks btw) and 139.8lbs

My BMI works out at 20.1

However if i loose 9.8lbs more ill be 18.5bmi.

How can 9lbs determain wether im a healthy weight. I dont look skinny, i dont look perfect. I still look the same as i did when i was 158lbs. 

I look fat and disgusting. 

The goal is getting close and well im not happy with it. 

Is something wrong with me? I think ill reach 130lbs and still be in the same mind set that im not perfect. But then ill be going into underweight bmi. 

I have plenty of fat and flab still to go. 

Is it normal for me to be thinking like this?

Is my body image distorted?

Is my body how i see it or is it completly different?

That thought scares me that i may not look how i think i look!

Oh i dont like this.

:(

-C