Whats wrong with me?!

Still that horrible 144.8lbs

Havent gained, but worst of all i havent lost. I dont want to be this fat girl anymore. 

In such an antisocial mood today-think its because of the weight, i dont like it not moving. I dont want to go back into plateau. Is this going to happen every week?

R was trying to banter and have a laugh and i just snapped and refusing to text back because im going to bite his head off. He doesnt understand. Nobody understands.

I can hold a front up at work, make them think im in an OK mood. Im just using my illness as an excuse for my ergh mood. 

I just want to curl up in bed and starve untill all of the weight dissapears.

On a fruit and veg diet today. Obviously sticking to under 500cal.

Going to go swimming tonight, that will sort my head out.

I dont know whats wrong with me, i thought i was fine when i woke up. I saw the scales, was dissapointed i hadnt lost but was happy i hadnt gained. Then its just slowly gone downhill without me really noticing.

Why am i snapping at R, he's done nothing wrong. Why cant i just say sorry, and go back to talking normally. He was the one person who always made me feel like i didnt have to put on a act when i was with him for my mood. 

But now he's just like the rest. Im going to have to work extra hard to not let my really happy mood/really down mood be noticed by anyone.

Im starting to feel how i did before i got mild depression. And i dont have my old best friend who was going through the same thing to help me through this. 

What can i do to get happy again? Why am i so...i dont even know a word for it, not grumpy, not angry, more just down and lonely.

Sorry for the depressing post. 

Stay strong and think thin. 

-C

Hunger...

So after my weigh in this morning im keeping on track! 

I felt hungry today, and boy did i love it :)

my beans on toast for lunch (needed something warm as work is getting colder and colder, or my circulation isnt as good as it has been) so thats 218cal

Went to the doctors, he made me take my top off :/ When ive been and they have needed to check my breathing for my asthma ive never had to take my top off, so why did he need me to do it this time? It was a very thin silk top and baggy of course.

Got perscribed Codeine Linctus and you have to take it with food so i had a fat free muller yoghurt. 90cal. 

Good thing about this medicine is it causes loss of appetite, Only problem is another side effect is nausea, vomiting and constipation. 

I deffinitly dont need the last one more than i already have through the lack of fiber. 

My dinner was a total of 170cal for a measured and weighed ceasar salad. mmm my favourite!

Total: 478cal

I will have lost weight tomorrow, i just have to! i want to be in a good mood. 

Dont you just hate how the scales dictate what mood your in?

Havent done my yoga today - another side effect of the drug....major drowsiness. perhaps ill get a solid nights sleep for once?

Such a 'meh' mood today i bailed on R, and my friend. So im sat in my room. No music, no tv background noise...just me on blogger. 

If i maintain or gain i think my mood will be even worse. 

I dont want that.

Why cant i be skinny and pretty. 

Going to start rambling soon, so im going to go. 

Stay strong and think thin. 

-C

'I Dont need you food'

144.8lbs 

I'm back down, and i will not fail this week! Have my doctors appointment this afternoon so fingers crossed they will put me on antibiotics to get rid of this 2.5 week cough.

I can then use it to not go out on friday and drink lots then end up eating lots. 

Spent the whole day with R yesterday hense the no post, I recieved a very drunk call from him on Saturday, well Sunday at 1.00am telling me hes outside. So i put him in my bed and thats how i woke up with him. 

at 11.50am we were at his and he was putting on chicken nuggets! I was mortified that he was eating that early and the fact that it was over half a bag of just chicken nuggets he had put in the oven. 

So that was the first chunk 258kcal,

Those darn wotsits95kcal, 

His mum then made us lunch (he had discussed this while i was on the toilet so i had no chance to say i was hungry! 

French friend 83kcal 

whole tuna sandwhich 250ishkcal (luckily i had told R previously that i like it plain so no mayo or sourcream)

then mini sausage roll 40kcal

Total for my Sunday: 726cal. 

Not too bad, but the FAT CONTENT in those foods is off the scale! 

Ill be much better today! I promise. 

Yoga session when i get home. I ache all over! 

Swimming tomorrow. 

Girl night i refuse to eat shite again! also try and fit in a swim.

Thursday im going to try and get a swim in, but if i dont ill have to go on the weekend.

Stay strong and think Thin. 

-C

IKEA day

145lbs again
I'm ok with that after last nights chips on my stumble home! Yes I ended up drinking.
(Boy drama)

So I woke up early and didnt have breakfast as usual. I went straight to IKEA, I have a very nice wardrobe and chest of drawers :)

Spent all day putting it together. Got to 6.30pm and I realised I haven't eaten...and I didn't eat untill 8.30!

Parents made a very delicious steak :) between 450-500cal for all the added extras on top. So full. I've missed having a large meal.

I know its good to have small portions but I'm making an exception. As soon as I had my first bite it dissapeared. Didn't realise how hungry I was.

So my treat for reaching my first GW is completed, can't wait to reach my second And go and buy another reward :)

Still have this cold, complete blocked nose, so I sound like a div and look like one walking around with my mouth wide open!!

Hope you have had a good day!

Stay strong and Think Thin

-C

A New Day, A fresh Start

145lbs

A new day, atleast ive lost even if it is just .6 of a pound!

Today im going to be better! I do have to go to the pub tonight for my friends birthday, but being ill i can use it as an excuse not to drink or stay too long. That way i can stick to orange cordial (save on money too, only 30p)

R is fighting himself at the moment as to whether or not he's joining me, He said he wants to come out because its my best friends birthday and he wants to be there with me, but he doesnt want to go out because he doesnt feel like it and wants to save on money. Ive told him to stay in, but think he will end up coming out and being there sober with me :)

I just have to find a way to stop him trying to feed me!
When he moves out into his own house he wont have all that unhealthy stuff and will be soo low on money that he wont want to share his food! SCORE!

IKEA tomorrow, i cant wait. Maybe this is why im in such a good mood?
Can finally have a bedroom that looks like its lived in, not just a temporary thing.

Im really enjoying the support from all of you guys at the moment, knowing your here to help me back up when i fall. It really is soothing and reasuring :)

So a BIG THANK YOU <3 

you guys are my rock!
 

Stay Strong and Think Thin. 

Lots of Love

-C

So weak

Not as bad as last night but a handfull of party rings...not even sure on the calories and those darn wotsits...R thinks I don't eat enough, so I've had to start lying to him about what I've eaten that day.

It's all fine untill he goes downstairs to get me my water and always comes back with wotsits ...this time partyrings too!

I'll just have to go without a drink or bring my own to avoid him going down. I can't not eat when he's suspicious.

Not impressed with myself atall.

Might try and stay at mine tonight to get rid of it, managed to stay away from that while I've been ill, but two nights in a row? Soo fat I want to cry!

- a very ashamed C

Last nights mistake

145.8lbs .... 1.2lb GAIN!!!

Why oh why did i eat all of that crap?! Maybe it was the fact of the new girl we've let into our group (ill explain her in the next paragraph) saying to me while i take a handfull of crisps 'so do you just not gain weight then?'

I did laugh in her face. Oh if only she knew what was going on behind closed doors!

So Ive known of L for a while as she is going out with a guy in an old group of friends, didnt really speak to her as she is very shy. She's not from where i am she met her bf while they both worked in magaluf, They came back to the UK to settle down and she moved from devon to here (4hours away) so she hasnt had her own group of female friends up here in over a year!!!

She works with two of my friends and explained to them the situation and asked if they would go on a girly day. I heard and mentioned about bringing her to mine after for pre drinks then to go out, ive invited her to every girly night and shes finaly openned up and i think she now classes us as her girly friends :)

Couldnt sleep last night, half to do with my cold, half that i had slept all of yesterday. So i moved my room around and realised i really do need a new chest of drawers and a wardrobe instead of a clothes rail.

SOOO as i never gave myself a reward for hitting my first GW i decided to go this weekend to IKEA and buy myself some new furniture!

So excited.

Restricting on food today! I Will not maintain this weight and i most deffinitly WILL NOT gain. 

Think thin <3

-C