Such a terrible blogger

So the main reason ive been so bad at blogging is that i put on 3lbs over the weekend and ive been trying desperatly to loose it all. 

Currently at 139.4lbs

I will get lower. 

I dont understand how i didnt loose more weight. 

1 hour at the gym and then an hour step class. 

My thighs were burning. 

how did i loose 0.2lbs? 

Ive been down to 136lbs therfore i know my body can get to it. 

All ive eaten today is soup:125kcals. 

Im not planning on eating much more. 

Perhaps some fruit after the gym and before legs bums and tums. 

Other than that nothing. 

Thinking of taking a laxi before LBT and so for tomorrow morning it will all flow out. 

Last time i took it before bed it didnt kick in untill the middle of the next day. perhaps i need to take more than 2. 

Ill try 3. Whats the harm?

i cant believe ive put all the weight back on.

I have to go out clubbing on saturday as a old friend is leaving to go do a season abroad for the summer. I was discussing with a friend that i dont want to go because i hate the hangovers. She mentioned that I never used to get hangovers because i used to vomit at the end of the night wether i needed to or not. because i hated the feeling of going to sleep drunk. 

Why did i stop doing that? sounds like a great habbit to get back into. Drink alcohol have my chips then when i get home lean over the toilet and let it all come out. I could do it in the street straight after food if i wanted to infront of all my friends. Nobody would suspect a thing! Even at home in the privacy of my own toilet, i wont have to worry about putting the shower on to mask the noise of my choking while i slide my fingers further down my throat. I can simply say, i feel really ill but its not working, im going to make myself sick and they will smile and accept it and not think anything of it! 

If i do that i dont need to make sure i have a slice of bread of something before i drink to line my stomach. I can leave it empty and just vomit the whole night every time i feel im getting just a bit too drunk. 

Maybe i wont even drink that much as the alcohol will hit my empty stomach harshly making one drink tip me into drunk. 

Sorry for all of this talk. I just dont know anymore. 

The scales arent moving much anymore, im not noticing a difference in my body.

I need to see something change. if my weight doesnt move why arnt i seeing toning going on on my belly or legs?

Why is there just no difference. 

Ahhh im going to stop now as im rambling and making bad reading. 

Sorry. 

-C 

Whats happend to me

I just cant seem to do anything right. 

Scales are showing a higher number today. 

i stress/anger ate late last night. 

I feel that ever since i had the stomache flu everything has been different. I havent been purging which is deffintily a good thing. I guess the fact that i had 7 hours of constant vomiting kind of put me off it. 

idk, you know when you have something every single day that your mind just doesnt want it anymore and however much you think about it your body doesnt crave it. Well thats what its like. 

It feels like that stomach flu has done that with the purging and the restricting. I find it so hard. 

I used to look at my belly and HATE myself and if i was hungry id say no and be able to walk past food. 

I did that today i said no im not hungry anymore. Walked past the food and took a handfull of savoury bites. 

i need to clamp down. Why am i finding it so difficult latley. I thought my motivation was back yesterday....Looks like it isnt. 

still going to the gym everyday which is good, but it doesnt really help when your weight is still creaping up because im eating so much. 

Atleast im not 140+ 

 still in the 130's JUST!

Todays intake so far:

3 handfulls of savoury bites : 150cals

Tomato soup: 125cals

Clementine: 35 cals

Going to the cinema tonight. So im going to try and have another bowl of soup after the gym so im not starving ... lie in bed and not think about food or have any savoury bites. and then i dont want popcorn but R always seems to be forcing me to eat and i guess hes a reason why ive been so bad in a way. Me not wanting to worry him therfore i eat all the time with him. and its junk food most of the time. 

so if i stick with my plan i will have consumed approx : 685cals 

125 - soup 

250 - small popcorn

At the gym i usually burn 380 odd calories.... need to start doing some sit ups. My belly is getting humungous.

Its very depressing!

Stay Strong 

-C

Im Back!

 

Lack of motivation

Lack of strength

Lack of energy

Lack of pretty much everything

Im so sorry ive been away! 

But im back. 

I think the fact that i was going to the gym but not seeing the scales move caused me loss of motivation. 

been binging non stop. 

I was close to my 135lbs goal. Boy im not there now.

Pizza, flapjacks, garlic pizza bread, chinese, mcdonalds, doughnuts, muffins. 

You name it, i ate it. 

However yesterday i had the mcdonalds and a binge at girls night and i woke up at 138.8lbs. 

Id lost weight. 

It was a very strange feeling. Im just happy that the scales are moving now. 

It's put me back on track. 

I have been consuming around 900+ calories so thats probably a reason why i havent lost recently. I have no scientific reason as to why i should have lost this morning, but i did so im taking it! 

im back on track. i will loose all of this weight. I have Turkey coming up with R. i NEED to be skinny and have a perfect body.

time to catch up on all of your blogs now! 

<3

Sorry for leaving you. 

Stay strong.  

-C

WTF am i doing?!!?

 

Having a really good day yesterday, work hard at the gym even though i feel like death and i have snot dripping out of my nose.

 I know EWW!

 So i come home have my shower, go downstairs to prepare my salad. i get everything out on the sideboard.

UNTILL.....i look in the cupboard to find a new can of sweetcorn, i cant seem to find any? so i look on the top shelf that you cant see (even for somebody whos 5'10. who makes shelves THAT high?)

And i find my housemates chocolate fingers he's hidden up there.

Now hes being a bit of a dick seeing as hes leaving at the end of the month. THANK THE LORD!

i engulf the biggest handfull ever..literally untill i cant eat anymore im full!

then i carry on making my salad know im wanting more food and want to binge. 

Eat my nice healthy salad thinking wtf is the point in eating this.

leave to go to R's, get there and theres Domino's pizza boxes on the bed.... i knew he had ordered it but he said he had finished. Instead he opened the box and simply said with a smile 'yours, eat :)' and i ate

3 slices of pizza which i shouldnt have being lactose intolerance

Yes stomach cramps

And 2 chicken strips.

JOY.

so im 137.6lbs today.

Thankfully its only 0.2lbs of a gain, but its still a gain. Thank fook i went to the gym!

Spa Day today at a very fancy place, This year when we renewed our golf membership at the club they said spa days are only £10.00 to golf members!!!!

So happy as its £80+ usually and non of this actually includes treatments .. just the facilities to use the pool, steam, sauna, plunge etc.

So excited!

-C