SELF DISTRUCT MODE

132.8lbs

Arrive home from a very relaxed weekend away at centre parcs. 

My Promotions boss begs me to drive an hour to join him and shane for a hot tub and movie night. 

I go of course know that it ment hot tub and alcohol night. 

way to much alcohol consumed for a SUNDAY night and with work in the morning. 

Not going to go into details but yer, End up fucking my Promo boss. Thats going to be awkward next time i see him! 

Good rebound sex though!

sleep at 5am. 

Wake up at 7.30am On the hard floor with a rug as a blanket freezing cold with a guy either side of me. 

Is it strange that going out drinking with guys is way more fun than the girls sometimes! 

I know some of you wont be impressed and a side of me isnt impressed either but, ive just come out of a relationship and i just want to have fun, and whats the harm in that really? Im not putting myself in danger, im always letting people know were im going

:) 

Im having fun and thats all that matters right?

Oh and i got home from Centre Parcs and there was an envelope with my name on it!

 RICH WROTE ME A LETTER. 

 Must admit i didnt know wether to cry at it or laugh. Im mixed feelings about it. 

Hmmm he asked that he doesnt get a response from it so ill respect his wishes and not say anything. 

-Love C

xxxx

 

Am I Allowed to secretly love drama?

Firstly I will start with weight.

132.2lbs

Pretty much maintained the past couple of days. Im impressed ith the above number with the amount of alcohol i drank last night.

Soooooooooo

Im helping my friends friend out to help promote a club in need for a launch on august 4th.

Went to meet the team to get to know each other they decided to have drinks. Only 3 guys went and me. Nobody knowing each other.

The guy who im working for so technically my boss, Who is 3 months younger than me and has a better job and earns fuck loads more than me.

#welljel

so we all got hammard, i was only ment to drink 4 alcopops so i could drive home but after the 3rd drinking game i was a goner and noooo way was i driving home.

9 till 12.
Drunk

12-2 AM
Start getting even more drunk and a little tired ... My feet hurt.

2-4 AM
-Sat in my technically boss's hotel room in his bed fully clothed.
- he gives me a top to sleep in
- he knows i broke up with R 3 days ago and that i wasnt going to put out
- he starts attempting to make out with me, My mouth is tightly closed
- He RIPS his top off of me ... I mean its in shreds.
- Im still saying no and we shake on remaining friends with no benefits
- The other 2 guys come to the hotel room, and im just sat awkwardly in bed in my underwear due to the top being ripped off.

4-4.37 AM
- My belly is really starting to hurt and I need to go for a number 2 NOW.
- 3 guys and 1 girl in a hotel room, NOOO THANK YOU,
-I get up to walk out and venture my drive home

4.37-5.00 AM
Think that every car is a police car because im battered but live 20mins drive on the dual carrage way away and i have no money to stay in the main town.

5.00-5.30 AM
- Die on the toilet ... I must have eaten something dodgy.
- Didnt really eat before i came out so cant be that :/

5.30 - 7.30AM
SLEEEEEEEEPPPP

7.30-9.30
-Get ready for work
-Drive to work
-Still Drunk as a skunk

9.30 - Present
-Hanging out of my bumm

I had such a good time and i LOVE it.

I missed it, The getting drunk not having a care in the world, nobody to answer to/

(Just to let you know because i was meeting people i didnt really know, Had only met the boss guy once for an interview, i was texting my friend every hour as to were i was etc just incase)

-Love C
xxxxxxxx

p.s IM BACK

Thank you

Thank you for all your comments they make me feel less alone. 

Even though im going into hibernation. I never took into consideration that i wont only be hurting him ill be hurting myself. I did this to myself! I made myself feel like this. Oh its all my fault :( Am i allowed to feel this pain when i caused it?

Food, I cant even think of it. 

UPDATE:

Deleted me off facebook, I cant see his profile. 

He texts me saying he still loves me. 

That i have been his best friend these past 9 months and he doesnt know what hes going to do without me. 

He cant bear to think how much hes going to miss me. 

I feel like a cruel Heartless bitch. 

Oh I cant fight tears any more. 

I dont want to be at work. 

-C

Fore Warning

This is only going to be a small quick post saying i dont know if ill be writing for the following reason. 

R and I broke up. 

This Morning.

Ive been keeping myself busy. Friend at works birthday so shes been filling me with cake and giving me lots of little simple jobs to keep my mind occupied so i dont break down here. 

I dont know what my weight is going to do. 

Im not hungry atall i dont feel anything. 

i dont know if im going to break down at my desk and not be able to move or perhaps on my drive home. probably niether. 

probably when he is dropping my stuff off. 

So by the fact of me not know what my weight is going to do i dont like posting about me gaining only loosing. 

I hate this. 

Deppresion oh how i open you with open arms.

Have i smiled today?

Fake ones sure beneath my sunglasses at strangers. 

9months....Gone

I.Want.My.Bed.

I.Want.My.Mum.

I just want a hug :(

-Love (a rather depressed) C

xxxxx

Addicted to weight loss

I wake up and slowly climb out of bed, Stumble sleepily into the bathroom. 

I do the usual, flush, wash hands and brush teeth. 

Walking back into my bedroom i securly shut my door and lift my t-shirt over my head and let it fall into my washing basket. (Friday, Wash day)

I step onto the scales and stare down wide eyed. 

134.4lbs I slam my head into the wall infront of me. 

I refuse to accept that as its answer. 

I bend down to pick it up, Shake it vigerously and gently place back down. 

I slowly step on, fingers crossed while holding the hair out of my face. 

133.6lbs.

It cant be....Can it?

I step on again and again and again.

OK. Ill accept that.

I finally feel free, not angry.



How can a number dictate my mood like that. How can i go from banging my head against a wall to relaxed in less than a nano second. That cant be normal. Thats the same as bi polar or schizophrenia.

Surely others dont feel this way about a number on a scale. They must just accept and walk off not thinking too much about it. 

I get dressed, pull the hair tie off my wrist and pull up my hair into an untiedy ponytail and stroll downstairs. 

2 Banana's 1 apple and a yoghurt for lunch. Not forgetting my sugar free energy drink. 

One slip up with a magnum ice cream however. I dont worry to much as i know what will happen when i get home. 

'thank god for being lactose intolerant otherwise i dont think weight loss would be possible for me' 

Tea with normal milk, ice cream, apples, energy drink. 

You can imagine the after effects for me. 

I think ill have a salad when i get home. Prepare it and then sit in the garden reading my book while inhaling on the end of a cigerette. Oh that cigerette how i long for you while im pulling my hair out working overtime at work.

Oh how you shall calm my breathing down and relax me through and through. If anything bad happens i know i can count on you to be there to calm my down. 

Cinema tonight. I dont worry. Im going with parents and they NEVER get any popcorn. and they are concentrating on me now to loose weight. A member or the family on the female side being a size 10. Unheard of. They make me feel so overwieght. They dont take into concideration that im 4-5 inches taller than them. Im sorry im not under 9 stone. If i was i would be dead. 

I say im down to 9.9 and mother just mutter 'just a bit further' She hasnt mentioned what the finish line is. Who said i was doing this for her? This is all for me thank you very much. I will decide when i have reached the finish line and i certainly am not there. I knew i would get to 130 and see im no different and im not. Still a size 10. Not what i want. Size 8 please. Flat belly with skin not fat rolls please. Small thighs please. Concave would be nice. Size 8...Please.

-Love C

xxxxxx

The Jealous Sibling AKA me

Sisters.

So this is my sister. SUPER SUPER SUPER skinny. 

Its not fair. She used to be alot bigger than this. How did she manage it?

AND she is 2 years older than me so its not the young metabolism thing. It actually sucks. 

I used to be the skinny child/ 

And she got larger and so did i but she decided to get rid of it all and i remained! 

Horrible horrible horrible. 

i dont think ive got any pictures of her in her larger state but she was a size 14 and now she is an 8 and could probably fit in size 6 clothing.

It just makes me want to cry that she did this and hasnt got many issues with food. she wants to have a junk trip when we travel down to center parcs. If she had issues like me she would not be suggesting this. ERgh HATE MY LIFE> 

-Love C

xxxxxxxxx