Something to admit

I did binge. I dread to think of the damage i have done to my body. 

I know it cant be doing good b/p is not good. 

Trying to do it quietly while my housemates sleep in the silent house where the walls are paper thin.

Good luck. Going to have to answer questions tomorrow. Blame it on the Medicine. 

Read the side effects when i first got it and when i read 'may cause vomiting' is it bad that i imediatly thought, i can purge without waiting to be alone or running around like a ninja to hide it. If they hear i can use it as an excuse. Im not a very good liar though, so i may just avoid them in the morning.

I feel soo weak after purging, I dont enjoy doing it and i really dont suggest it to anyone.
Only problem is i still feel massivly bloated and i didnt manage to get half as much as i wanted out of me as i did. 

I dont think i even went over 1500cals 

Started my evening at 411cals

Went on to eat half a giant pack of salt and vinegar cruchy sticks: 367cals

7 Cheese twists:291cals

and a VERY VERY large tablespoon of my friends Chocolate rolo pudding: FUCK KNOWS Cals

Total: 1069cals in total for my day!!!

Really wish i had the body i want. 

I really wish i had somebody i could talk to in the real world about all this stuff who will understand and not judge me or try to change me. 

My mood has been up and down like a yoyo. When im with my friends I can put on such a happy face i almost make myself believe that im happy. But when alone again i just want to go under the covers and cry. i feel soo Alone!

Im pushing R away as i dont want him to see me like this and i dont want him to worry or worst get suspicious and find out about what i going through.

Dont want to take anything out on him either. 

So im pushing him away to make sure he doesnt reject me.
Such a vicious cycle im in, and i dont know what to do! I dont want him to stop loving me or to leave me, but i cant avoid him forever. maybe ill see him tomorrow and if it doesnt go as well as i want it to ill reassess tomorrow. 

Think im going to try and sleep this all off. 

Good Night, Stay Stronger than me and think thin. 

- Love C